Miracle Medical Men

I must begin this missive with a warning. Sometimes companies or organizations see fit to share my articles via their internal newsletters or other communication systems. While I am flattered that they would do so, I occasionally hear from some of those organizations after one or more of their members or employees end up offended by something I said in one of the articles they distributed (I know, I am as shocked as you are). Therefore, I must issue this warning for today: This is an article you will not want to share. With anyone. You probably don’t even want to read it, as It contains something to offend everyone. We have to keep it our own little secret.

You have been warned.

With the ongoing concerns about the expense and availability of medical services in the future, there are some bright and innovative ideas percolating that should be given further consideration. Someday these concepts might benefit workers’ compensation and the injured workers we serve. I am proud to say that two of these ideas were born right here in my state of Florida. The third is from some highly creative surgeons in the UK. 

As for the first two, the well-worn “Florida Man” meme is alive and well, and these Florida men are at the forefront of innovative “Do It Yourself” healthcare. Our first innovator actually did his innovating several years ago and was memorialized in this blog. I am not sure if he is innovating again, or if he is still in jail. The 81 year old man’s brilliant solution to the shortage of medical specialists was to simply pretend he was a doctor, and go door to door offering women free breast exams. The really interesting (and frightening) thing is at least two women accepted his offer. One of them, who was 36 years old, said she began to suspect something was wrong when he moved his hands away from her breasts down into her pants and fondled her. 

Say what you will about Florida Man; nothing gets by Florida Woman.

Typical of bureaucracies that do not appreciate creative solutions and intent on keeping Florida Man down, he was charged with multiple crimes, including sexual battery and practicing medicine without a license.  

Our next pioneering Florida Man also is bringing a new meaning to the phrase “home health care,” although he admittedly has a way to go in honing his craft. In this case, a 74-year-old Florida man with what is described as a “bizarre castration obsession” was arrested for allegedly performing a botched, at-home castration on another man he met through a website dedicated to people with eunuch fetishes.  

According to reports, deputies responding to a 911 hang up call found a man on a blood-soaked bed in the home. There was a container nearby that held what is described as a couple items that were at one time attached to the man. The room was “set up like a surgical center with medical equipment and painkillers,” and a camera was set up to record the procedure.

I have no idea if a copy of the video was available in the lobby as you exited the facility. It is nice to know he recorded the event for prosecutors. Should make their job a tad easier.

The do it yourself doctor wannabe told deputies that he met the “patient” on the website Eunuch.com, and that he had previously “castrated animals and even removed one of his own testicles in 2012.”

Say what you will, but performing a home-based castration takes balls. Literally.

His patient was rushed to a hospital where he is said to be in stable condition. I am assuming that refers to his physical condition. I can’t imagine what his mental condition might be like. Actually, recognizing he met a stranger online and agreed to let him perform a home-based castration procedure, I can imagine his mental state, and it is probably anything but stable. 

And thanks to this story I now have www.eunuch.com recorded in my Google personal search history, and I no doubt will one day have some ‘splainin’ to do. I can't wait to see the ads Facebook starts feeding me now.

And finally, a procedure in a more professional setting in England caught my eye this week. A carpenter who severed part of his hand while cutting flooring material had that hand saved by surgeons using a ground-breaking procedure. They sewed the hand to his groin and left it there to heal for several weeks before reattaching it to his arm.

Surgeons apparently made the decision in the middle of a grueling 17-hour surgery ordeal. They found they “needed more skin to cover the repairs in his palm, so they opted to attach his hand to his groin, where it remained for two weeks.” The procedure is called a “pedicled groin flap.” 

By all accounts the surgery was a success. The only problem they encountered was when they went to remove the hand from the man’s groin. For reasons unexplained, he apparently demurred, saying, “No thanks. I’m good.” Perhaps time at the urinal had never been so easy. I can't imagine another reason he would want it to remain where it was. Fortunately, they convinced him to proceed with the transfer. I expect they pointed out that shaking hands in church and other social settings would be extremely awkward if they didn’t (“Excuse me mate, but that’s not me hand”). 

At any rate, innovative practices are being tried that may eventually improve outcomes and relieve the shortage of qualified physicians. The home-based do-it-yourself trend being pioneered here in the Sunshine State has real potential as a true game changer for modern medicine. And with the pioneering surgery being developed in the UK, someday even home-based surgeons will be able to help their castration patients by lending them a hand.

Literally.

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