Longing to be the Diaper King

17 May, 2019 Bob Wilson


Every once in a while, we come across a creative idea or concept and ponder, why didn’t I think of that? Or maybe we think, why didn’t I ponder of that? Whichever. The sentence structure doesn’t really matter, as long as you are recognizing a golden opportunity lost. Such was the case earlier this week, when I read an article on this site entitled “Top Prescriber Of Adult Diapers in NY Charged.” It discussed a New Jersey physician and a New York physical therapist that were found guilty in a $30-million scheme to defraud Medicare and Medicaid. Both were convicted, after a six-week trial, of conspiracy to commit health care fraud, mail fraud, and wire fraud, as well as conspiracy to make false statements and substantive offenses of health care fraud, mail fraud, and wire fraud. The case centered around improperly representing ownership of a group of unlicensed medical clinics, as well as defrauding the government out of more than $30 million for items and services not medically necessary or were not even provided.

And most of those items that Medicare and Medicaid paid for? They were primarily adult diapers and other incontinence items. In fact, over a six-year period, the convicted doctor was the largest prescriber of adult diapers in the state of New York. Apparently, his defense, that prosecutors were “full of crap,” created unwanted visuals and backfired in ways unexpected. We are not sure what turned prosecutors on to this case. They might have had a leaker somewhere. And this is not what his mother meant when she said she wanted him to be a doctor with conviction.

One must wonder, why adult diapers? Were fraudulent catheter sales just too darn competitive? Could erectile dysfunction medicine not arouse their interest? Could it be the lack of a National Diaper Prescription Monitoring database created a void that could be abused? Was it because, no one, and I mean no one, wants to “look into diapers,” even metaphorically? While defrauding the government with unneeded diapers sounds like a poopy thing to do, it must be a pretty full feeling to know that you are the undisputed diaper king of New York. In a state where Bill DeBlasio is the mayor of your largest city, that is really saying something. 

And with this doctor’s absence, the state has some pretty big diapers to fill. Good thing DeBlasio hasn’t left the city yet.

Some unscrupulous doctors specialize in prescribing drugs for fun and profit. Others open labs in order to bill for needless or non-existent medical services. But to brilliantly corner the adult diaper market is simply an opportunity overlooked by most. It would no doubt take great finesse to reach that level without raising some eyebrows. Getting patients with an elbow injury or a sprained ankle to wear a diaper daily probably takes some effort.

I sure would hate to see (or smell) this guy’s waiting room.

On the plus side, being Chancellor of the Huggies Realm probably could be a real draw for the ladies. Old and incontinent ladies, but ladies, nonetheless. 

(For inclusion and diversity reasons, as well as to avoid triggering the gender sensitive, we repeat that paragraph with other currently available and politically correct options)

On the plus side, being Chancellor of the Huggies Realm probably could be a real draw for the men. Old and incontinent men, but men, nonetheless.

On the plus side, being Chancellor of the Huggies Realm probably could be a real draw for the non-binary genderless earth-bound humanoids. Old and incontinent non-binary genderless earth-bound humanoids, but non-binary genderless earth-bound humanoids, nonetheless.

Wow, being inoffensive is exhausting.

One of the unspoken issues that remains, however, is what to do with all of the diaper addicted patients now that their supply line has been so dramatically interrupted. I am willing to bet that authorities have not considered any proper diaper tapering methods. Many of these patients, faced with the prospect of going cold turkey, will start getting their adult diapers on the street. That won’t be pretty, and we may see a sharp rise in diaper overdoses.

It should be noted that diaper overdoses, while they sound bad, are not the same thing as diaper overloads, which are significantly worse. Those can really raise a stink.

Perhaps support groups like ADA (Adult Diapers Anonymous) will pop up to help absorb the flow of the unnecessarily diaper dependent. Educational efforts from groups like Diaper Entrapped People Ending Negative Diaper Stereotypes (DEPENDS) will no doubt be of some assistance in the matter. And we cannot overlook the possibility that in the void created with the takedown of New York’s Diaper Prescription King, that others may rise to try and assume the position. 

It is the way of the streets. When one bad guy is absorbed by the long arm of the law, others longing to be the Diaper King may come from behind to fill the need.

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