My Holiday Advice for Santa: Don't Grope the Elves
Ah, the holidays! You know they are in full swing when the first store security guards are trampled on Thanksgiving and our first Santa of the year has been arrested for elf groping.
That is earlier than usual, but after all, there are 6 less groping days till Christmas this year.
A 62 year old Massachusetts man who played Santa Claus at a mall has been stripped of his Santa suit after he was arrested and charged with groping an 18 year old woman who was playing an elf. He has been banned from the shopping center and was released on $1,000 bail after pleading not guilty to Indecent Assault and Battery.
As if there was such a thing as Decent Assault and Battery.
Police say the woman, who worked with him at a Santa photo booth, called them Saturday to report that the 62-year-old had pinched her buttocks and made suggestive comments. Looks like Santa had a bit of trouble determining who was naughty and who was nice this year.
At any rate, the judge has barred him from playing Santa anywhere pending the outcome of his case. I'll bet he's upset that this little Ho Ho Ho made these charges.
At the risk of sounding like a curmudgeonly old misogynist, I would think that "pinching someones buttocks" and making "suggestive comments" would call more for a complaint to HR than the police. An upper right hook, or a knee to the crotch might also be appropriate. Of course, the latter would require some splainin' to the little kiddies waiting to see the old man.
I swear, elves are such pansies these days. That elf would never survive at certain workers' compensation conferences, I assure you.
Of course, the source story, found here, takes great effort to point out that our Santa "has a real bushy white beard", as if that somehow makes the story more shocking, since he is more realistic than commensurate fake beard Santa's. He has pleaded not guilty to the charges, and denied touching the woman to mall management. I'd have given a fair amount to be a fly on the wall for that interview. I imagine it might have gone like this:
"Now, Santa, it says here that Elf Suzie claims you pinched her buttockal region, and asked if she wanted to ride your sleigh tonight. Now, what did you mean when you said 'You're a Dasher, you're a Dancer, you're a Prancer, you're a little Vixen'?"
Now, it stands to reason that our Santa will have his day in court, and may indeed be found innocent of these scurrilous charges. Still, I would recommend to all the Santas out there that they refrain from groping the help. There are a plethora of federal agencies that could end up scrutinizing your behavior, and you'll only piss off the Elf union.
And nobody wants a gaggle of angry elves at Christmas.
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Robert Wilson is President & CEO of WorkersCompensation.com, and "From Bob's Cluttered Desk" comes his (often incoherent) thoughts, ramblings, observations and rants - often on workers' comp or employment issues, but occasionally not.
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