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While reading 'Red's' post
Thank you Chris for sharing with us.

I love this forum, we can truly talk here. We're united here and to think, I've only been here a short time.

We, the few here can support one another by what we're simply doing, sounding off, listening, whining occasionally, crying, laughing. We've all faced those demons, trying to sleep at night. Night is the worst for me as well, can't remember the last time I really, really slept well. Especially now that I have hip pain.

Yesterday was not a good day, was feeling down, alot of pain. Somehow my daughter knew and there it was, a picture of my 3 yr old granddaughter Kaitlyn, with her crooked smile, tossled hair and her tiara on her head. I call her the midget princess, she's like a little version of me. Stubborn, talkative, tiny, cute (okay she's cuter) and smart very, very smart.

As long as we can still see beauty around us in a crooked smile. The way one of my crazy cats sleep, an amazing sunset my life will continue. For the sun always sets, I will always have crazy cats and there are always beautiful babies to behold.

How can you not look up to God when you're laying flat on your back?

Hugs my friend,
Thanks for the Thread Builder!! I was a Fifth of Sky Vodka a Day Guy at One Point in My Life, and I almost lost Everything I Held Dear, nothing Monetarily, but the Respect of My Children, and the Love of One of the Best Women ever put on This Earth!! I can Blame it on Many Things, but Plain and Simple I was Weak, and Used it as a Crutch!! There are 576 Pages in the Big Blue Book, that sets within Hands Reach in My Desk, and I also have the 24 Hour a Day Prayer Book, but like BX4, I couldn't do the Meetings. Forgiveness, I have Asked for From My Family and Received, and that Forgiveness keeps that Bottle out of My Hand, My Pain is so Bad, even with the Strong Meds. I'm on, it would be soo Easy to Pick back Up!! I'm One Person, nowhere Near Perfect, and My Family is Number One. My Injury I Hold a lot of Anger, and Depression Over, but I work Hard not to let it Over Power Me. That's why I come Here and try and Help those that haven't Walked as far on the Path of Life as I have, and to Learn from Those that have been Farther than Me, or Handled Their Problems Better than Me. I Come to Help, but also Learn, and Forgiveness comes from the Soul, and has Different Meaning to Each of Us. I can Remember My Daughter telling Me that She was Very Disappointed in Me, but She Loves Me and will stand by My Side no Matter what I do. True Love was felt that Day, and I have Spent Each Day since then Proving to My Family that I am Worth Their Love. And Builder, Please tell Your Husband it's O.K. to Cry, I do at Least Once a Week, He has Suffered a Loss also, and has to watch His Loved One in Pain Daily!!Wink

And Chris, I have Gained a Lot of Strength and Help from You, don't Sell Yourself Short, You'll get Through This, just take each Day One Step at a Time, the Past is Gone, and even though We Hurt like He**, We have to Stay Strong for the Ones We Love, and the Ones That Love Us!!Smile
Over the last couple of weeks I have been battling up against that evil darkness that we all see on occasion. The Depression. I was good at keeping it at bay by just going out and visiting with my neighbour. I can't drive any longer because of the meds I take, so my neighbour is pretty much it. I become more and more isolated day by day.

I came here after marrying someone that I thought I knew. Sold my home in England, packed everything up, gave almost everything else away to friends and the chapel I went to. The person I married lived in this country. Anyhow it didn't work, so after a year he went his way. It was an abusive marriage and dangerous for my then 14 year old daughter. I had to find work fast so I took whatever I could find and ended up working 60 hours a week over several different jobs. But the main job was with a private client. I worked 30 hours a week with her...covering everyone else who went on holidays or was sick or just left. I was her personal nurse and everything else as well. I cleaned her home, washed down the floors and carpets, dug up her garden, painted her rooms. Most of the household stuff was done when I worked nights with her. The last two weeks before I was injured I was working all night long doing her bidding etc, got about 3 hours of sleep before I had to get up again and get her ready for the day. I was exhausted. The last week I was hurt while I was picking up a suitcase. I knew I was hurt badly and told her so. But she still kept me working. I went home that day and by the next day I could not walk. I waited a week then called my client and told her I would have to file for w/c since I had no insurance and this pain was really bad. She always was proud of the fact that no one who worked for her had ever made a claim. I was the first. I filed, was fired, by email no less, and I never heard from her again. I did email back and asked if she would give me a reference when I could get back to work. No answer. Nothing. I have seen her on the streets with other carers, and she might see me but does never acknowledge me. Like I was some sort of trash. That hurt me more than my injury. I still don't understand it.

With regards to forgiving oneself. If Christ died for our sins so that we could be forgiven, who are we to go one higher and say that we can't forgive ourselves. Some of the things we have done might have been really bad, but by not forgiving ourselves we also allow other to not forgive us as well. It is like a huge ball and chain around our ankles. Or maybe even our necks. That one phrase, "I am disapointed in you," says it all. My daughter once got caught at school smoking. She called home and told me what had happened and that I had to come and get her. She was so upset. She told me that she knew I would be angry. I told her I was not angry, and I was not disapointed in her, but that I was concerned for her. At that we sat down and talked it all through. That was the best thing I could ever have done. It allowed her to move on, but she never smoked again. There are things that I have done that I am ashamed of...that is also like not forgiving ourselves. But I have to let it go. What about the Lords Prayer. Please forgive us as we forgive others. What a world it would be if we could all do just that. And remember, we tach others how to treat us. So if we don't forgive ourselves after we have confessed and moved on.....we actually are telling others we are not good enough to be forgiven. And believe me...there are a lot of people out there who thrive on not forgiving us.

All done now. Sorry it was so long. But I love all you guys and we are all in this thing together....no matter what baggage we bring to the table, we have each other to depend on. What a community we have!!!!
Bag have you tried POGO to help keep depression at bay? it is a game site with chat on 24/7 it has saved my sanity many a painful night......www.pogo.com I am Billijane on there....look me up many of us are on there....
........I love cats, I just cant eat a whole one by myself......

Ya'll try the damaged Darlings rooms, there are alot of us there.
The good news is,"You can get used to anything."
The bad news is,"You can get used to anything."
I'm finding it so hard to answer anyone on this thread or even talk. I feel your words and know how you all feel. The depression and sadness is just horrible. Chris you and I have some similar problems with our employer and co-workers. We need to try as hard as we can to retain parts of ourselves. Hard to do, but we CANNOT lose our lives for WC. Yes we change, we miss so much of what we could do BUT we are still us and worthy human beings.
I will try this but I tell you I still have alot of anger......I worked for the Salvation Army I ran the operation here in town which ment I took care of the thrift store,wrote vouchers for stranded people to stay in a local motel dispensed gas money and some food vouchers.....I collected coats all year long from local schools and others and washed and mended them to give out in the winter.....my family was huge in volunteering there to help me keep it running I couldnt have done it without them...I was paid for 29 hours a week but always put in more than 60 plus my familys hours..plus training to go to disaster sites..when I got hurt I was forced to file WC by my next up boss (he was a lawyer) he also sent me to my lawyer cuz he said these people will screw you if you arent represented.......the boss above him told me to fire my lawyer or else.... I didnt and I got the or else.......no one could talk to me....since I ran everything everyone in town called me to get things done so it was a knife into my soul each time I couldnt help them....since my injury the bell has not rung in our town as it was my family that took turns ringing it this year the store and food pantry closed down......it was a sad day for the low income in our town......if only they had fixed me right away all this could have been avoided......the IC bites off their noses to spite their faces in my case they were self insured....there was no reason to deny me medical treatment except to show their power... in the end the lawyer I was sent to got me treatment and also a huge fine to them for not giving the medical care in a timely manner....they truely pissed off the judge and my lawyer said normally that she is a pro IC judge but her court apointed Doc got on the stand and told her if I had been given timely treatment I could have been back to work but because of there waiting I was now in his opinion 77% disabled...75% for the back 1% for lungs and 1% for beginning carpel tunnel she awared me the full 77% and a fine.....yes I was bitter because my best friend turned on me in the work place just to get my job...she died from cancer less than a year ago....I forgave her and them because it was eating me up inside it sure wasnt bothering them......

I will tell you the truth if you are gonna give money to a worthy charity then it is the Sal Army they are proud of the fact that 90% of all taken in donations are used for helping some one... their over head is kept at less than 10% unlike the red cross and others...they ticked me off but good but I still respect their efferts at helping the poor
........I love cats, I just cant eat a whole one by myself......

I have checked out the Pogo site. I haven't yet played any games there since I've been really busy the last week or so getting used to new meds.......again.

You know, just this very night I had to go down to the local shop and just outside the door was a Salvation Army stand, poor bundled up guy out there ringing his bell. I would have given, but I go to the food banks myself and only use real money for the pet food that I have to get at the shop. Really felt bad since I could see everyone skirting around his stand. Before I was always giving....but lately it is hard. And I often find myself really embarrassed. I thought if I told him I couldn't afford it he would probably think "Yeah, right, thats what they all say" Oh well.
believe it or not only about one in 10 put money in and thats mostly children....adults normally send a check to the charity of their choice at christmas time.......the most we ever made was about 300 dollars for the day....and we cant get enough volunteers to man the kettles thats why my family did it......Most large towns pay the ringers and the store they are in front of send out hot drinks for them....
........I love cats, I just cant eat a whole one by myself......

Jayne...I try my best to give a $5 to every Salvation Army person I see. I trust them.

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