big ugly elephant

[jayne]

its a pleasure to help you jerri I just wish I could do more

[RNvic]

jAYNE- I don't think you understand what I am saying, yes we all need to be there for Red, but to come off all thr drugs without help can be very scary and there are many things that could go wrong and with the other health problems could cause Red to stop breathing or go in to sezuires, this I would not want her to go thru. Red needs our prayers and for us to be there to vent to, but she also needs the professional help to get over this and to help figure out what is real and what is make beleive.

[Tuffy]

I agree with RNvic. That is also what I was trying to say. God forbid that she would go into DT's or seizures, But taking that many drugs for that long, she needs someone to help her get clean. We can offer her love, prayers and support, but there are some things we can't do as we are not there with her we are only as close as the phone or the computer. I do care ...........

[red1030]

What is support? What is rehab, especially rehab for Ativan dependence which for me was diagnosed as related to significant health history, physical, emotional, and financial loss, anxiety disorder, and increasing plague in the brain stem and frontal regions of the brain. (I know this because I just read about 32 pages of my recent medical record. I have 12 years of medical records sitting on my dresser to take to Oregon with me from the VAMC). So back to the question, what is support? For me support comes in a lot of shapes and usually from many different people that are significant in a person’s life. Treatment comes from health professionals who then in turn may recommend some sort of support that can provide a person a sense of self, a sense of responsibility for actions, and maybe even love and care.
When I first came here I started doing a lot of research about W/C so that I could be a teacher and friend to those in need. I realized early on that that was not my strong point and that there was something else that was missing which I believed understood the psych/social needs of a person experiencing or being challenged by daily loss. I guess in some ways, I was able to put my needs on a shelf because this forum was not about people living with Multiple Sclerosis, it was about people receiving injuries in their work area and then feeling abandoned by everyone around them. It was about pain and the management of that pain. So what did I do, I tried to find a way to give you all something to feel good about and to enjoy. To sort of take your mind off of your daily everyday life and add to it something to look forward too. The BINGO games were no BIG deal, but I believe that it gave us all an opportunity to laugh, enjoy each other’s company, muster a little competition and then feel joy or excitement when we could win. I don’t know, I could very well be very wrong about that. Never the less that was my goal.
So I have to ask myself again, exactly what is support? Is it just a treatment facility with support groups designed to help a person for an addiction or dependency? Is it giving sympathy or empathy? Is it trying to find a way to help a person understand what has happened and that in spite of it, they are still loved? On the other hand, is it following the concept, “spare the rod, and spoil the child?”
I have many questions myself about this. First and foremost, I wrote some things during a time of difficulty that should not have been written. Were they lies? Did Del slap me? Did I lie about that? Did he leave for Oregon? Did I lie about that? Was I hurt and totally amazed at how fast these event began to unwind? Did I lie about that? As soon as I realized that I was taking way too much Ativan did I lie about that. In my mind, I was ok and I was just using it to relax so that I could be healthier. Of course it back fired on me, but does a person taking Ativan say to themselves that I am going to become addicted to this drug. Never in my life would I ever have thought that that was a possibility for me. My doctor told me that I should try a little marijuana because it would help me with my MS. I will admit it, I tried it once just to see, and guess what I felt much better. My legs did not have weights on them or feel like wood, they were free and easy and could walk without difficulty. However, in this state it is illegal, I didn’t feel right about that, so in spite of what every benefit I may have felt I knew immediately that this was not for me.
What is it, I should expect from a group of people once I confessed after I understood the issue more clearly that I had an addiction to Ativan? What should I expect from a group of people that I confessed to having amnesia for almost a week and unfortunately did many things that I can’t even recall. Can you image what it is like to lose an entire week where people said that they talked to you or that you wrote things and you cannot remember anything about it and what you do remember you fear may be an illusion or a hallucination? Lies are done with intent to harm. I am hoping that nothing I said or did hurt anyone personally. I understand that there are now trust issues and that now I have lost credibility in your eyes, and that life may never be the same for me on this forum, however, what should I expect from each of you in the forum of support?
A person whose brain has been injured related to both MS and taking too much Ativan, has a multitude of symptoms. First they may lose memory or never keep the event in their mind in the first place so that it can be recalled. The brain may try to then fill in the blanks with what is either delusional or hallucinary behavior. I believe that the biggest and most hurtful lie that I told was one of omission where I never said anything, I just did not recognize what was happening or the harm it was causing until it was too late. That my friends, was a BIG lie however, mostly to me. I never reached out, and honestly felt that my needs were not as important as all of yours. Consequently, I kept saying to myself, I am ok; I am still within some form of therapeutic range without causing injury. As I have confessed, I was wrong. What I did was fatal, and I am most likely alive only because of the prayers of those around me. While I feel very humiliated, shamed, and disgusted with myself, I still have something to hang on too that will allow me to feel ok. For instance, as soon as I realized what was happening due to my family’s observations during a very trying time, I did something about it even in a non conscious state of mind. My pain was real. Most likely as real as anyone has ever experienced. However, I can’t allow something as devastating as a medicine to take my life or to cause harm to those around me. So I told the doctor what was happening and what I had been doing?
So back to support. I believe that Jayne is saying that while you can’t tell a person that everything is going to be ok type of talk, you could write a note and say “hang in there” or I am praying for you, or if you want to talk I am a phone call away. There is no doubt in my mind that knowing that someone loves you goes a long ways to opening up doors that allows a person to find healing and the determination to make it work. Just as suggested by RNvic, my treatment will occur as scheduled by the VAMC and my therapy will do the same. I do not expect nor want it from any of you. That is not what this forum is about. I am following their instructions. When you all thought it was all about abuse, versus a family in crisis, it was easy to give me support and speak against Del. You may be thinking, Red is angry, and you are right. I am angry at me, I am angry at Del that he didn’t find the support that he needed and I am angry with this entire situation. I have let you all down and for that I will never be the same. However, just as Jayne spoke of all ingredients are needed in the cake or it will not rise so is the need of support from all directions, neighbors, family, friends, health care professional and so forth. Without any one of you, my life may never be the same again. Thanks to each of you, who were able to look past their own sense of betrayal and their pain caused by my situation and then past my weakness and still give me the strings to hang on too. Have you ever read the poem, “footsteps?” Well some of you were my footsteps in the sand when my feet could not touch ground anymore…. Thank you thank you thank you. MJC, Jayne, sweet tooth, monster, Bummer Knees, Vickinate, I will never forget the support you are giving to me. I love you more for it. I don’t want anything sugar coated, what I did was a terrible thing, but it was a BIG human error. I know my father in heaven can forgive me and I know that through treatment I will conquer this. Someone said to me in a pm, “I lost myself.” That person was exactly right. There was support all over this board, but I don’t fit the population so it didn’t come my way and I didn’t ask for it and yet as I sit here, I can tell you that most likely of all of the needs here mine were on the significant list and never addressed. I have no one to blame but me, I didn’t ask for help.

[monster]

Okay sweetie please don't take this as an attack on your grammar or spelling okay??? I am going somewhere with this so please don't take it wrong for I owe you an apology...

For quite some time your spelling and grammar had been going downhill as well as your sentence structure. With your education I should have known something was wrong. Please know I didn't mean any of that to hurt you or ridicule you. You are a very articulate and well spoken woman...

I am sorry I didn't see something was going on with you. I actually thought it was the MS progressing and the normal meds you were taking. We are all human and in hindsight I can definitely see the progression.

I have no trust issues with you sweetheart. You are still the same Red that I came to know and love and that is just the way it will always be for me. I will always be there for you to the best of my ability. You know you can call ANYTIME and you'd better not forget it!!!

Love you and good to see you here,
monster

PS - I meant to say that your thought patterns are sounding great and you are expressing yourself very well

[jayne]

but you will get it...from all of us....I know how hard this was for you.....it is hard for alot of us...love will get us thru..your gonna be a joseph arent you? wooo hoooo

[red1030]

ok...just one more thing..this let this horse die, RNvic and Tuffy, I know where you are coming from, however, that was not what jayne was talking about. She already knew that I was receiving treatment and that it was me that notified the docs of what I had done. Nursing is much greater than just the physical ailments. Sure they come first because we all rule out the most significant situation first and then allow the frosting on the cake to take hold. However, in my case, it was me that told my doctors about my inability to remember events and that it was me that said I need help. It was me that told them about hoarding the pills for two years and not taking them and then starting to take them. Whether or not I receive treatment while very dangerous to me, was never the source of this discussion. It was about support of someone who you use to care about and whose only true sin was not asking for help when she should have...... then leaned on a pill. How dumb was that... well I can call myself dumb if i want too..and it was just plain dumb. Red

never a doubt jayne...joseph it is.... I love you sweetie.... Carol

[vickinat]

Red,
You know that I have no trust issues with you, and you did'nt let me down. You also know that anytime you want or need to call, I'll be here. You are my Sis and always will be. I loved you before and always will. True friends understand what you've been dealing with. I wish I could do more for you besides communicating with you by phone or the computer, unfortuantly I can only love and pray for you. The professions will help you to get back on track. If there is EVER a time that you feel that you can't cope, Please call.
Love
Vickie
PS: I'm hoping very much that when you get settled in Oregon, we can visit more often.

[MJC]

I just had time to check in for a sec and I saaw this thread. I have doc appts. and I have to much to say at this time as my time limit is short on here right now. I will return later to say what I need to say.

Just remember Red, I LOVE YOU DEARLY!

Cajun Hugssssssssssssss,
MJC

[Tuffy]

Red, This was a strange thread to start with, had to read it several times as it was confusing to me. I want you to know that I have NEVER stoped careing about you or your welfare
When someone has a medical problem no matter what it is, I don't call them untill they get it worked out and are on the mend, That is just me and the way I'am. I don't want to make a pest of myself and bother the person that needs rest and healing. Maybe the nurse in me and my training... That dosen't mean that I don't care. I care deeply ,
If I had the means , I would hop on a plane and be by your side in a heart beat. But that can't be. You have a good support team with your Mom an Dad your children that all love you. So lean on them. But please don't think that you are forgotton by me and some of the others. You are loved