Just because................

[capricorn]

Hi everyone....I have been having a horrible time since the end of Sept. early Oct. My husband;s last hospital stay was for 15 days. He had radiation burns on his throat and esophagus. They had him drugged and being fed through a pic-line??? I went everyday and sat and looked at the walls since he was asleep. At one point through this time I lost it. I had a PTSD flare up that went into major depression. At that point I would come here everyday because it diverted my thoughts from what was really in my mind. I am sorry I never told anyone because I really needed help. My daughters were by my side and when my husband came home I really depended on him for support although he wasn't capable. I was lucky enough to find a great counselor that I clicked with immediately and am still with her. I keep asking her what happened to me and she keeps telling me I broke and she can't understand with where my life had been why I didn't break a long time ago. So "SUPERWOMAN" has her breaking point. Through this time my husband started to drink along with his pain killers and it wasn't the first time. I thought I was entering a black, black existance that I couldn't find my way out of. I put all of my worries in a God box and left them to Him to take care of and walked away. I have watched His power take care of each problem one at a time. I am doing much better now, not out of the dark yet but slowly getting there. My husband , thank God , is also doing better. He has started to comunicate his fear of the cancer coming back again and his fear of what was happening to me. This has stopped his overuse of alcohol and pain killers. We're doing good. As good as can be considering.

I come here everyday and read. Sometimes I post and then delete it. I don't feel I have anything of value for anyone and still feel out of the loop. I hope to start posting a little more in the near future. I read, especially on the IW forum, and feel I have something to add and then hesitate for fear of intruding, being wrong, offending anyone, not making sense.

PTSD is not the same for everyone. I have distinct symptoms that only I can control. I have it for a couple of reasons the last being my daughter's tragic death.I never had flashbacks but have started to. I guess the stress of my husband's illness and me being in the throws of WC was enough stress to change the symptoms and bring new ones on. I't s not something that will go away but I have truly learned over the years that it can be controlled. I am learning how to avoid the many triggers I have. Some have gone only to be replaced by new ones.

I am always here reading up and praying for all of you. God bless and keep you all safe and may He smile on all of you and help each of you with whatever your soul needs to be in peace. That's where I am getting now is peace within myself.


Capricorn

[jayne]

I am sorry you have had problems......I also understand PTSD as it really bothers me in crowds of people....altho with mine if I stay away from crowds of people and dont get boxed in I can deal with it...but put me in a crowd of people and I panic....People without it think we can control it for a few hours or days but we cant.......altho i enjoyed the Pa trip Red can tell you it was hard for me..between her and bachache and Rn they kept me in control But they were all aware and knew the problem and made sure there were alone places I could go.....Even to bed with Limbo for a few,,,lol,,,,
You just gotta tell people....Then they watch for it....if they know the triggers they can help.....

[sweet tooth]

i dont know about the ptsd BUT i know about not liking crowds. i still want to face a wall or window when we go out to eat but i guess its just being backwards with me and panic attacks with the mention of those rolling stairs ugg i cant even say the word lollol PLEASE let us know when you need something we are here

[sparkey]

Cap,

I just wanted to say it sounds like you are really getting yourself under control. To come here and open up and tell us how you feel and not keep it inside is a great step. We are all here for you if you need to vent and I hope that from what you typed that you got some sort of comfort after. I respect people that really tell how they feel and with all that has happened to you no one here would ever know what you are going through except for yourself.

I give you alot of credit for what you have been through and find that you could really be alot worse off and be drinking and taking meds. yourself to hide what your really feeling on the inside. You at least controlled that from what you have said. Alot of people drink their sorrows away or do other things to medicate themselves to not have to accept things. To lose a daughter is something I have fear of and hope I never have to see in my lifetime. I could not imagine the pain of living after losing a child or grand child. They are my world.

From what I just read, you are starting to accept things and I really think that therapy must be helping you to open up. Keep up the good work, and please let us know if there is anything that we can do for you to get through this.

I wish you the best!!!

[red1030]

Hi Cap,

I am so glad to see your post. I too give you a lot of credit with your honestly about your issues. PTSD can be very controling of ones mind and body. Understanding and recognizing the triggers is the best way to control it or prevent it from reoccuring. It sounds as if you know this and are on your way towards healing. Cap, you are a very important part of this group on this forum. Most likely all of us go through this feeling of isolation from the group from time to time. I know many times I have felt like an outsider and then I realized that was by my choice. I am not an outsider if I want to be an insider, and you are not an outsider either. Some of us are maybe a little more close than others, but requardless of that, we are all the same in this group. We are an online family. And this family, including you, is very important to me. You are intellegent, clear in thought, and supportive when it comes to the injuried workers needs and the compensation system. You would be a lost if you shielded yourself from here for very long. Come back as soon as you feel comfortable and feel that you are able. Love Red

[Tuffy]

Cap, You know how I feel about you and all you have had to indure and go threw. Just know that I think of you daily and you know you can call me anytime you need to talk. Love Ya , Grandma

[Bummer Knees]

Cap

I have missed you posting and was wondering where you were.

When I think of you I think of the words Success & Victory. You have had much on your plate and I think of you as a very strong person.

Cap, I do understand the feelings you & your husband have.

My 2nd daughter was in an ATV accident when she was 14, she had head injuries.
I did not respond they way I should have when I found out about the accident.
I did not take her to receive medical treatment right away because I went into shock. She did receive medical treatment but it was delayed.

I often wonder if I responded the way I did because what I went thru with my oldest daughter's death.

I also share fears when it comes to cancer.

I have surgery on the 20th to remove what the doctor's tell me is a large malignant tumor. I have basal cell carinoma; if this is left untreated it will develop into melanoma.

The surgery will be 5 hours away from my home and I have been busy making childcare arrangements for my children.

[hurt at work]

thanks to still i have backed off the the beer as still seen in me and helped me along with my issues.its easy to turn to ur pills or booze or both then you hurt and have know where to turn,i for one can tell you that.so cap i wish you and urs all the best one day at a time.

[chrischris]

Thinking of you Cap. Don't have anything to add, but to tell you that you are not alone. You are loved.

[Lilly]

Hi Cap,

With all you and hubby have been through, I can only imagine how difficult it must be.
You are both entitled to a break-down of some sort, to let all the pent up fears, emotions, pain, bad thoughts out of your body.....so you, and others can recognize that outside help is needed pronto. I am so glad you have found a great councilor and mentor who can assist you in getting your strength, well being and mind back to normal...and rid yourself of 'bad thoughts' and 'flashbacks'.
My prayers are following you, where ever you go! Lilly