It is just a little boring so lets talk....

[red1030]

Hi all.... I know, I should be painting, but I needed a break and I am very reflective again recently. Just as I do, I am sure we are all busy with our lives right now. Usually I would say that is a good thing because when people have been traumatized over and over again through an injury or a disease, it is sometimes difficult to remember where your life BEFORE and where your life AFTER connect. If you are one of the few lucky ones whom have been able to pick up your life after an injury or disease then I am blessed to be in your presence. Mostly I say that I am so proud of you and to know you. Unfortunately I am not one of those lucky few, this time. Oh boy did that sound sad, and I am not sad, just being realistic, hoping that throuh my writing to you, I may find the strength to do exactly that, "pick up where I left off." However, do we really pick up where we left off, or do we learn to adapt to our changes and pick up only the parts that we can pick up.

Did you ever wonder why God gave us legs to walk with, but mankind has developed Wheels that those that may not walk can ride. Now lets be honest if God made us all with wheels to ride, would we not all prefer that over walking with our legs? I sort of think so. It would be the "norm" per say and what is expected of us all is to fit into society's norm. However, wheels are not the norm so what happens when due to an injury or a disease, we become different in the eyes of the world because we have wheels to ride in or O2 to breath with, or even hand tools to grasp something versus our hands? Have you ever thought about all of that. I believe that we all have went through what most people truly hope that they never have to face in this life time, and yet is it really that bad. I am sure that the pain is the worst part. I believe I can cope with most anything but I do not want to be in pain that can't be controled, and even after I say that my mind keeps racing with I don't want to be doped up either. So where does that leave people who have pain...... actually it leaves all of us with pain...alive.

When I was first diagnosed with MS, I was alone in Walter Reed Army Hospital. I was a lone on the east coast for that matter. My husband and children were living in Okinawa and my parents were in Oregon. I just woke up in Washington DC paralyzed from my neck. Then I was sent to the hospital and after 8 days in the hospital on my 40th birthday I was diagnosed. However, while that may sound depressing somewhat to some people, it really isn't.

For instance, on Sunday night, before I went to the States, or Washington DC, I met a Leutenant Nurse Corp who was reporting off to me from her 24 hour watch..to my 24 hour watch at 7am. This women, as I learned later was 31 years old. She delivered her first born, a little boy, just 6 weeks prior. She was so excited becasue she had PSD orders which basically means, she was leaving the island on Wednesday. As it turned out she and her family would be on my plane heading to Seattle Washington where her family lived and then in two weeks would be headed towards Washington DC as her assignment was there. She was so full of life and just plain happy. She and her family sit on the long 12 seat room isle in the middle of the plaine all the way to the States. While sitting there she and I talked for hours about so many things from the navy to having a family. I just remember seeing this happy glow in her eyes as she looked at her brand new baby boy. We separated at Washington and in my wildest dreams I would never have expected to see her or hear of her again, however, I did.

When I had been at the hospital for about 6 weeks, I was just learning to walk again using a rolling walker. One day, PT even let me return without a transfer aid. I felt free and that made my heart sing. However it did not last long, only about a few minutes. I entered an elevator going to my room, and suddenly I saw my friend from Okinawa's husband. I looked at him and he looked at me noticing who I was. Then he broke in to tears that were so heart wrenching there was no way I wasn't going to cry and ask him "How can I help?" I didn't know anything about what was wrong, but sort of expected him to say that something was wrong with the baby. However, never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to hear what I heard. That lovely young LT, or women that reported off to me in the hospital in Okinawa and that lovely young women who was so filled with joy on the plane, was now gone to see her father in heaven. My heart leaped in my chest and tears just poured as his were just seeing her over and over looking at her child with eyes filled with such hopes and such love... knowing she would be there the day he graduated from high school and then from college. Now all those dreams, those eyes of expectation and joy were no longer with us. Without even thinking about me, I thought why her and not me. Why did this happen to her. Then I realized something that I say to my family all the time to remind them, but mostly me, "We all have a path in life. It may not be the path that we expected or wanted, but it is a path that is given to me by my father in heaven and a path that I must walk." To some that may sound pestimistic, like I am givng up, but that is not the case at all...it helps me to continue to live when I believe all hope is gone.....I believe that understanding them corrected my mind from saying it should have been me, and to say that is not my decision. This women was not per say a great friend or even a family member, she was a women who had hopes and dreams of the future and allowed me to see those dreams through her eyes and her smilies of happiness. I will never forget this women, because while she lost hers, she gave mine back to me during that time and over and over again since. For instance, after laying in bed for almost 2 weeks, unable to move, barely able to talk, unable to use the call light to help, was just was the most difficult situation I had ever had to endure. I was almost ready to give it up. I can't even tell you how it felt to experience the paralyzsis for a little more than 2 weeks before I could even set up in a chair with a lot of adaptive equipment to keep me straight up.

However, while with this young women's husband who was broken hearted I suddenly knew that it wasn't my time, and that I needed to get my act together. I suddenly felt thankful to have MS and thankful that this is my path. Then just like the light came on, I knew, "it is my decision on how I live my life and how I treat others requardless of what life throws my way." This was when I developed a better understanding of how precious and vulnerable life actually is from day to day.

About a year later, I got a call from a good friend in Phila, and she wanted me to come and work for her as an Assistant Administrator. I was overwhelm with joy and never did I think that this would give me an avenue of helping others... long and short here is that I learn how to turn a job into sharing, loving, helping, and teaching others that worked for me. I loved my job so much then because I could do so much for those around me, if not only to give them a smile and encouragement. As humans we often think we can not do anything for anyone, but I learned that it doesn't take much from me to smile and allow another to smile back.

Now, my job is gone, but you are all here, Frequently I will get a pm or something will be said about how much some one appreciates me for this or that. I thank you all for that, however, it is "I" who thanks all of you, for giving me another reason to contine you my path. The new path that was given to me. The unexpected path that was given to me, and you remind me daily through your stength, your will power to never give up, and your unconditional love for me and the others on this forum that is so special. When I feel down, I remember the picture of that computer that the hand was reaching out of the computer...that tweety posted. Tweety you will never truly understand how that made an impact on my life. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I am down and feeling sort of lost, I remember that you are all here and that I can talk to you anytime. Thanks so much. Yes this is sentimental, and yes this is rather person, but then again when has that ever stopped me. smiling... you know you all see that word a lot, because it means that i have a happy smile on my face. Can't wait to see some of you at the Castle, and truly wish I could see more ofyou, maybe in time. Love you all Red

I know jayne, too analytical, too sentimental, and just plain too long, but you know not very many people are writing right now, so I can... you all need to write to say jayne and to protect me from our jayne who we love and admire so much....and jayne I am so glad that you are now out of that wood shed... please stay out...love you Red

Oh jayne...I did a rooster today... not quit finished..so tommorrow ok..love Red

[copchick]

Red, I don't know what to say. You have brought tears to my eyes. A path. Yes. I am begining to see what you mean. You have made me realize that the path has brought me here. I don't know why, but I guess I don't need to right now. I'm just enjoying a glimpse into the lives of some really wonderful people. I'm learning from you and all the others how to be a better person. If not for all of you. I would be wallowing in self pity.

[sweet tooth]

OK i was needing this !!sometimes i get into my own little pity party and you always seem to be there and bring me back to where i shoud be .Thanks dear for letting the lord lead you and being such a help to me I KNOW ALL THE REST ON HERE FEEL THE SAME WAY ,WE NEED AND LOVE YOU SO MUCH Keep up the good work

[Wink]

Red,
A few know that I love quotes--particularly Einstein, Mother Teresa and Mark Twain. One of my most beloved quotes was written by me and it goes like this:

Although you've lost much, try to appreciate what you have. Otherwise you might not realize that you have gained more than you lost.
~Wink

Wink

[Pooh]

Well red

I don't know what to say hun. You always say things so eloquently.

You have been through so much and yet have a very good outlook on life. You are an inspiration to us all. Whether you know it or not. You know what I am going through and what I still may have to go through in the future. Not a good outlook at times, yet at the same time, like you I know that I will make it through.

Love you girl - take care of yourself and family.

[jayne]

A path ?????????? well I quess you are right cuz many an Oklahoma path is covered in rocks, holes and cow dung but if we lift our eyes from the path and look ahead not down we see the beauty of the world around us.....OH and Red Elizabeth from our church had her first baby last night it was a long long day for her But she had a baby girl we are so lucky God gives us these beautiful souls to nurture

[red1030]

jayne..good to see you. We do have a path. It is our path and ours a lone. It sort of like something you will always have, it may have curves, rocks and hole...and that other stuff....smiling..but the one thing it will always have if we all prefer it to have is a sunshining on our face.

[capricorn]

Red, my friend, thank you. I try so hard each day to know that I am on the path that has been chosen for me but often times I lose track and spend my days trying to change things maybe back to the past or at least out of where they are now. BUT when someone gives me a wake up call as you did, I know I am exactly where God wants me to be. I don't know why and it doesn't really matter to me. He knows what He" doing.


Wink...I love your quotes but this one I can't seem to understand. I have lost so much as you and many others have. I have also gained alot but I don't see where I have gained more than I've lost. I can't get there when I'm talking about people I love. Sorry.


CAP

[jayne]

I lost alot of friends or so called friends but have gained here family that will hit their knees and pray with and for me.....that is a terrific gain.....Cappy tan you are in a hell hole right now look up my darlin to God.....your path is already set....worry not for he knows best.....

[capricorn]

Morning Jayne.....I know, and I've excepted my path, although hard at times, I know God is with me always, but wink's quote doesn't work for me. I have lost a child and so many others that were young and I was soooo very close to, as many here have. I have also gained so many. I guess I can't see the comparison of people. I'm looking at it as if i should be substituting one person for another and I know that's not what Wink is saying. Did I make sense????


CAP