Prayer in numbers

[capricorn]

Morning all......Congratualtions Red. I think that is a key here. We all need to try to do what's best for us. Hopefully not at the expence of anyone else especially our spouses.

I spent the day in bed yesterday , to down to care about anything. Watched lots of movies. Today I have a Rheumi appt and PT. Hopefully just being out will lighten my mood. Just being around hubby now makes life harder for me. He has two personalities. One is sweet, kind loving and the other I call his evil twin. A friend needed his help yesterday on a job that he sold and iddn't know how to do himself. So of course hubby jumps when a friend is in need and went and did most of the job for him. Hubby is a concrete finisher with 2 missing disks in his back and 2 other herniations plus in the grip of cancer right now and spent 11 hours on this job. His nose is bleeding when he blows it and he's coughing alot of blood up. This is the kind of crap that gets to me. When he was first dx we were together all the time. Fell asleep togethr , woke up together. Had a few laughs to start the day off in the morning. Now he is back to being in his own worls all the time since the Dr.s told him his case looks promising. He doesn't get that he can't be out in the sun, over exert himself, do certain things anymore. It's almost like he was scared when first dx so needed me and now that he has some hope I am not necessary anymore. He slept on the couch last night so even the laughs in the morning are gone. For the past year things have been like this. 2 weeks of feeling that our marriage was strong and then here we go again. I feel alone again since he has no interest in me. I have told him about his and now I get an attitude. I really think he loves me but is the type of man who wants to do whatever he wants whenever he wants without keeping anyone else in mind. He was really bad righ after we married and the became the man I knew he could be. Now he's back to where he was and I am just not happy with his avoidance of me. I think he avoids me because he never wants to hear that he did something wrong. He has an attitude with me now. I just don't know what to do. He's like a jeckle and hide. Some days he's the doting husband and others it's like I am in his way. I can't live my life around his moods anymore. SO I will have to do some heavy duty thinking and soul searching. No point in talking to him because it appears it doesn't really matter to him if he hurt me, what seems to matter more is that he was told about it. I'm sorry but I am very sad today just like yesterday and need to get my butt in gear for my appt. Hopefully being out will help.

Love,
CAP

[sweet tooth]

guys i am so sorry that any of you have to have such troubles at the same time i feel like i need to brag on my family ,hubbie is the best im so thankful for him he is not a well man but hes at my beck and call day or night i feel i realy dont deserve him .my kids are just as good if i need they are there for me i try not to bother them as much as hubbie but sometimes you have to ITS hard to find some down time for myself they think something is wrong .hubbie wont give up on the hopes that i will be able to walk (normal) again ,he says he cant get the prayer thru for me and blames his self for it
i too was the bread winner since hes disabled also since 78 so i feel like i have let my family down and got my chair yesterday and was riding around in the yard (checked the mail first time in 2 1/2 years) and all these feelings started in on me and i relized this is how its going to be LIVE WITH IT GIRL its not easy is it ? my days and nights would be so boring without you all I AM A LONER but you all have got more out of me then anyone EVER !!! hubbie has always been the talker but i took care of all the rest and now he has been doing all and it makes me proud that he does but it also make me feel left out sometimes i say hey folks here i am im still here you know ,so guess the name of the game is WE WILL SURVIVE BY THE GRACE OF GOD love you all for loveing me so

[jayne]

It is funny how we can tell each other here how we are really feeling and work things out.It seems we are our own group therapy...I to am very lucky with my Bill he is my rock and does for me alot(he just finished mopping the kitchen floor)I dont know what to tell you cap except follow your heart....You know YOU better than anyone else....and maybe a bit of time on his own would shock him into being what you thought you married but most likley he is now what he will always be....And it is up to you if you want to continue on with it....my shoulder is always here for you.....and even if you cant bring hubby I expect YOU to be at the PA group get together..... you hear me!

[red1030]

Good Morning all... jayne and sweet tooth what you say is so true... I believe that most of the time when I look back over what I write, the issue is me. I just can't seem to let go right now and not just sleep it all alway again. I want to be active again and I want to do things..such as the house work my way... lol.. I guess I am just too subborn for my own good. Del and I had a talk last night about what happened in the store yesterday and I guess I will tell you all also, unless you are in front of me talking, I can't hear you very well... my ears have this BIG ring in them since about a week and a half ago when I started to loose my eye sight in my right eye..which is doing better now... not as bad this time as before.. Del was very upset that I didn't tell him or anyone about my hear... and I guess I didn't hear him completely yesterday in the store... and he wanted to talk about it last night. When I realized that I had misunderstood what was happening I had to admit to my self that my ear is not hearing well... I hate to admit most things.. love you all Red

[sweet tooth]

RED that rain check !!! we will talk later we got a idea we are trying to think out he needs some speical lumber that we aill have to go get maybe the last part of august

[Still in Limbo]

Hi Everyone! This is a Great Post, and I can See it seems to be Helping Us All, thanks Again for being Upfront and Honest Cap., and Starting it! My Wife and I had a long Conversation Today, and She Opened My Eyes to Something that I knew was a problem but it was Much Worse than I Thought! I have been so wrapped up in My Pain Increasing, and the COPD and Ear Issues, I have Basically been Treating My Wife as just Someone else living in the House, and not showing Her the Affection I thought I was! My God what an Eye Opener!! I guess if We All take a look at how WE are Treating Our Spouses, We can Maybe Better understand what they are Feeling. Speaking for Myself only, Sex is the Furthest thing from My Mind Right now, when I was the Type of Guy Before that was always Ready, I'm Sure My Temper is quicker than it has ever been, Hugging Hurts Me like Hell, and I wasn't thinking that Even Though I am Hurt, My Dear Wife isn't, and puts up with All of My Problems, and How do I Repay Her, by worrying more about Myself, and not enough about Her!! I guess with our Stress and Pain, it's way too easy to get caught up in our Issues, and forget about the Loved Ones around Us having to Deal with the Changes also! I for One can Say that it's Time for Me to put My Worries aside for a bit and take Care of this Women of Mine! I'm sure going to try, Maybe it will Help Me forget some of these Da*n Problems, She's the Most Important thing in the World to Me, and I'm going to Make Sure She knows it!! Just My Thoughts for the Day, I Hope I didn't Ramble too much, and I Hope Everyone has a Great Evening!! Let's keep this Thread Alive, I surely am getting alot of Help from All of You, Thank You All Very Much!!!

[sweet tooth]

i know where your coming from STILL im thankful me and hubbie are old and past those sex days LOL but i told him the other night that i really miss him i hope i didnt make him feel bad but guess i miss things being like they used to be it hurts knowing those days are gone come to think of it we are old and broken down but NOT DEAD YET!!!!! SKEETER!!!

[jayne]

Sex is a thing of the past here also....but the cuddling is still in full force and that was always the best part the loving of each other....

[Tuffy]

Come on you gals, I am older than all of you and I still would have a sex life if I had a partner.LOL Just because there is snow on the roof, Does not mean the fire has gone out. 68 and still active.......

[backache]

What's sex??????? Oh I forgot.....Thanks Still for making me think I guess I have been thinking so much about my problems I forget they are my husbands also. I think I will go sit with him for awhile.......and give him a big kiss...He is the most wonderful man I have ever met, but sometimes I have to have a kick in the butt to remind me. Thanks again....