Prayer in numbers

[capricorn]

Ok my dear friends..we're getting somewhere very important to me and many others.

Red>>>I am looking at myself very differently. I nver do for others looking for anything in return. I just would not like to be kicked by those I help. Also I have a very hard time letting people be good to me and give to me. That will change now. Probably not over night but I see what you're saying. I guess since some have tried to give to me but they werent' the ones I gave to I felt unworthy. Make sense?

Limbo....The 5 days my daughter was in the hospital were the most pleasant and calm hubby and I have had in a long time. He is my second husband so not the father of my children. I think it will be good for all 3 of us when she moves into her own place. She's 29 and in need of being away from mommy. Since her older sister passed I know I have been hovering. It's time she had her privacy and time hubby and I do also. He has hurt me over the years. Knows it, apologizes but still does some of the same hurtful things and thinks "I"m sorry" covers it all. I need him to learn from his mistakes and stop making them when it is me who is hurt by his actions. I need to stop resenting him. When he is well, IF his old behaviour comes back I will have to make some major changes in me. I am trying to do that now and it angers me that I feel I have to prepare for something that should never happen. I feel trapped by WC and trapped in my home at times. I need my freedom back that I had when I was working. Whether I work or volunteer I need a life of my own.

Please continue to share your stories with me. They all make me feel more human and much less frustrated with myself.

BK>>>> I will continue to write my feelings out. They help me and now I see they also help others. Am looking for some support groups to attend adn possibly change my way of looking at life. At 54 I don't want to spend too many years figuring out what I should already know.

Love,
CAP

[red1030]

Hi Cap and everyone else. Cap again you have opened up a can of worms as they say that can’t be closed until we all feel like we have our old lives back which does not mean it is a job but something that we obtained because we had a job. I wish I had the energy or the time to really tell you how my life has changed, but I can totally relate to wanting to have my old life back. My old life was a life of respect from many facets of my life, my husband, my children, my staff, my boss, department of health, and my board members. When I was in the Navy I won award after award.and ribbon after ribbon. The ceremonies were a bit embarrassing for me, because I truly do not like to be the subject of attention at all…and they are so elaborate.

There is no doubt that my losses have been numerous since I was diagnosed with MS. And yet, my job was the climate of depression as never before. The one thing that I do know is that even though the first exacerbation of MS and I was actually diagnosed I did not experience the depression as I did in May/June of 2005. When the doctors would not give me a release to return to work, I thought my life was over. Then to add to that, all my children and my husband decided that I needed 24 hour care, and they decided that I could not drive, could not manage money, could not even watch the kids on my own, and the what I can't do could go on and on. While I was in the hospital for over 45 days the last time, my oldest daughter sold her home, moved in to the upstairs part of my home, my husband and our sons made a partial bedroom in the in law suite because it is on the first floor. This was very nice of them, but I was never consulted or thought about I believe as a human though the whole process. When I came home and saw what they did to my studio so that all these plans could happen my desire to live was completely gone and I just went to sleep and did not wake until I met all of you. You see, I have said many times that none of you will ever know what you have done for me, but what you all did is treat me like a person again. Consequently I felt somewhat good about myself and I was able to share something of myself which was completely needed for me to want to live. Then I started to paint again. I had stopped for almost 2 years. Then I got myself enrolled in a gym and a personal trainer worked with me, until I was able to reduce some o f my weight that I had gained while on the steroids. Also, I started to paint with oil, all of this in the last year …. Because I had some respect back…you all saved my life… I will never forget that. I have been told that I have given a lot to the forum in terms of things…due to the BINGO games, however, if I gave you all everything I owed it would not be too much…for you all gave me a life back and as you know I just did this dinner party successfully, completed another certification for art, and my house sparkles and is very nice again… ALL BECAUSE OF ALL OF YOU. I guess what I am saying is that while people could look at this situation and say that I was the “giver” I was actually the “taker” for the first time in my life. I had respect for myself back again. Respect is worth so much more than all the BINGO games and gifts and things I have done for people.

Cap as it was for me to learn to take from all of you, the giving part was easy. I had to learn to accept the comments of encouragement and niceness without feeling guilty about receiving them. As it is for you, taking is difficult for me to do. I like to be the giver; it gives me a sense of doing something for someone else that increases my self esteem I guess.
I have so much more I want to share with you all…but this is too long again… I will close and return later… love you all Red

[sweet tooth]

RED dear we would love you even if you didnt shower us with your gifts (which we treasure dearly)
CAP you have been a big shoulder for us to lean on so let us now lend the shoulder to you
love ya both lots

[tweety00]

Cap I feel that I share so much with you .... hubby just doesnt understand .. even though he has a bad back

So thats why I said this thread is very eye opening for me .. Keep it going please ...

[jayne]

AMEN WE NEED EACH OTHER SO MUCH

[capricorn]

Good morning my dear friends.....I am so glad I let it all out. Until Red wrote her last post I didn't realize that I am able to take ffrom all of you. Something new to me. And how comforting it is. Funny how those I have never met have satisfied my needs and come to my rescue so to speak and yet those closest to me either don't get it or are embarrassed of theri treatment of someone so kind to them for so many years.

Sweet and Tweety>>>> I would like to continue this thread as long as we all have something to offer and gain from it. I have gained something valuable from each and every answer and everyday since I started it.

Tweety...my Hubby doesn't get it all either. I had some weird dreams last night. Not bad ones. All I said this morning was that I was dreaming all night. The answer I got was "What did I do now" I rolled over and hoped he would go out for the day. So since I have told him about past behaviour and the hurt it has caused me I get wise A&^ answers like that all the time. No one is always wrong and I have said that but his comment this morning wasn't necessary. Not funny. After that I didn't even feel like getting up because somedays it's just not worth it to me. I feel like just shutting up and going with whatever but it's not in my nature to let discomfort in a relationship go without discussion.


Jayne...Yes we do. Only God knows HOW much.

Love,
CAP

[Still in Limbo]

Cap., I'm so Glad You can Speak with Us, and it's Helping! All of My "Fair Weather" Friends are long since gone, and My Parents and Family try and Understand, and I know they can't and don't expect them to, without ALL of You Here, I don't know where I would Be!! Especially with the Judge taking Their Sweet Time coming up with a Decision on My case, and the Recent Development of COPD and My Ear Issues! I was Told Monday that I will have to come back for Treatments Once a Week, 75 Miles Round-Trip, for Months before they can even tell How Serious My Condition is!! It gets Overwhelming, and by being Able to come Here and Speak with All of You, I have been able to Keep My Sanity! Hang in there Girl, I Really Feel You will be able to Work Out Your Issues, You are a Very Strong Person, and You will make the Right Decisions, I know it in My heart!! You have a Strong Will and a Good Heart, and I just Feel All will Be Well! Have a Great Day, and I Hope You Feel Better !!

[Tuffy]

Hi All!!!!!!!!!! I have been siting back just reading this thread, You have all contributed so much of yourselves and your feelings, I have been lucky I guess as my Family and my close friends have been by my side from the begining of my injury, Red has met Gail, She is like a sister to me, There is not anything she wouldn't do for me and My friend Gary has helped in so many ways from rides to Dr appts to just getting out of the house and going for lunch, to calling me every evening. I am alone , have been sinse 1973,(divorced) It doe get lonely at times, But then I have been lucky to have stumbled on this site and have not only learned but have met so many wonderfull people. Some I can put a face to and others I am hoping to soon with the trip to Pa and again to Florida.

I really can not offer much as far as relationships go as I have been single for so long. Over the years I have learned to be very independent, and always remember what my father told me " If you don't take care of yourself, No one else will " It was no easy task being a woman alone and raising my two sons, But I had to do what I had to do to make a life for them.

Now it is time for ME, and I am going to enjoy and do what I want to do.
I may be going at life a little slower now but will with the love of family and my friends, and the good lord willing, make the best of the years I have left. So for all of you Thanks for being a part of my life in the past 3 years, and for all your caring and support I could not have done it without you........... Love Tuffy

[red1030]

Hi all... this is most likely the most important thread that we have communicated on...in that it is one of my deepest concerns and honestly I would be a great big liar and fool to not to admit that these subjects hurt me deeply. Even today I went to the commissary (military grocery story) with my husband for the first time in 2 years.. and it was very hard becasue this store is very large and very busy so you can just move through it, but the point is.. that even in this store without Del truly realizing what he was doing, I could not make one single decision about what we were going to buy. I just walked a long and remembered the day when it was me that always did the shopping and it was me that always made the decisions based on what I knew our income status was and what my family wanted. Now since I have been out of the picture..it was so obivous that I did not even belong there ... I just decided to go becasue I have not been out of the house since I went to New York... I needed to get out. Even while I was talking in my head to myself..which I do a lot.... I had to remind myself that Del has been doing this without me for more than 2 years and why should I stomp on his parade now that I decided to go. When I realized that I was contributing nothing to this trip, I said to him I am going to walk down to the PX .. a military retail store... and he says.."why, that is stupid." Of course then I think.. I guess I am stupid and he still doesn't think that I can make a decision about what I want or do not want. I am not sure sometimes how to handle this. I went from sitting on a board of an IV league college and healthcare system to not being able to determine what I want to eat or where I want to go. This is very demoralizing. I guess you know I just looked at him and gave him a face that said, and who made you my boss..and left. Funny thing but I found a store that sells oil paintings and the manager and I were talking and he will buy all my paintings to selll...I showed a couple of pictures and he liked several...so he is going to buy about 10 which met I made 500.00 just by walking to the PX..guess it was not so stupid after all... what a nice thing to be able to tell Del what i had done... he said to me...are you up to it...and just smiled and said as long as I have my support group I can do anything as I have always done before... smiling... so I guess it was a good day inspite of what my family all think... I know I have to take it easy but I also know that I should not be underestimated.. I have always been the primary bread winner, and I have managed big budgets very sucessfully... so I am very happy tonight.. i am not going to let all my challenges stop me from living...

Still... you as always say it all so elegantly ...you really should be a writer you know... you keep us on the edge of our sits while reading your post...

tuffy... you do have relationships... with all of us and we love you for who you are and how you present yourself on this forum... you are our tuffy nurse.. I am so glad that I met you and I met Gail...and Gail is a wonderful friend to have... I would love to have one like her that lived close to me.... tell her I said hi and I can't wait to see her at the castle...love Red

[tweety00]

Still I totaly agree with Red on your writing of your story ... It made my days to just keep busy reading and learning more about everything ..

Red I can understand As Hubby and I was in the car driving today I cleaned out my purse ... My life stopped inside of it ... I had receipts from just before I got hurt and then a few after .. but the business that we do on the side just went poof .... I didnt want to leave the house for I hurt to much while at work .. But hubby wanted to go out looking and go walking but since It hurt for me to do that I either still sit in the car or let him go alone ..

Then As i finally said something to him today about How my life went from being this active person to doctors and pain... I didnt really care for anything else ... He said that yes He knew that something wasnt right for I was always the go getter ... But that after I worked till 3ish and then right into bed for a nap until 8 then eat supper ( everyone fend for self )and was ready for sleep again by 10 ...and right back to work again ... I even had the doctor approve a restriction of no more then 3 cons. days for If that happened the heating pad didnt help .
But by that time I was being pushed by hubby to keep working for it was the only income we had .during the winter ...
The best friend stabbed me in the back when she was the one asked to call my daughter to see when and times of (our other business) shows ... That really hurt and still does each day that I see her .. I have walked back into that place I worked 2 times now ... Everyone Is to busy to chat and the mangers all act ackward ... Even though each of them had been on w/c for .. and couldnt understand why I was having so many problems getting treatment or that reports didnt jive .

But thats enough about me ... I just wanted you to know who each and everyone helps me to reach back out to everyone ... More on here then at home ... but im working on home at times untill I pull back into that I dont want anyone to worry about me ...