Prayer in numbers

[capricorn]

Thanks Monster....I don't seem to know how to lighten up on myself, just others. I am sitting here trying to tell myself it's OK to be lonely right now. I buried my daughter, best friend of 26 years, my cousin who I grew up with like a sister and my only sister within a few years. These women were my confidants through thick and thin all of my life. Those that I worked with and thought were my friends fall into a different group. I just feel so lost at times. I know I need to start over myself but don't even kow where to begin. Need to smile again first.

Sparkey...I agree with the lines of communication. Hubby does know how I feel. He has nothing to say. While I was raising three children alone he was working, playing baseball for 3 different leagues and having a good time. Our lives were and are totally different. I guess I've reached a point in mine that I'm not as tolerant as I used to be. I was very unhappy before he was dx. Would I have left him? Maybe. I love him with all my heart BUT his ignorance to my feelings at times, especially last year I think is really stuck in my mind. I felt abandoned at my worst time. He thinks I'm the best thing since chocolate milk and I have had many, mnay women tell me that they wish just once in thier lives a man would look at them like my husband does me but if I don't feel it then it doesn count, and I don't feel very loved. I feel taken advantage of by him and my daughter right now. If I wasn't menopausal I would swear I was PMS. I am seeing a Rheumi this week for possible fibro flare up and changing endocrinologists for my thyroid. These mood swings could all be something physical. I have the exhaustion to go with it.

Love,
CAP

[monster]

Cap - I would love to see you get out of the house and make new friends. I know it's easier said than done because I need to be doing the same thing but here I sit day after day. Maybe if you will try and do that for me then I will try and do that for you??? Do we have a deal? I know hubby is sick but I am sure he would be okay for a couple hours at a time once a week or so. You also need to have time to regenerate and feel like a happy person again. That is sometimes hard to do when all we have done is take care of people and feel like we have been chit on over and over. Please think about it, you sound very down and need to get out of this bad place before it consume you completely...

Love and hugs,
monster

[backache]

Hun your feelingd are very real and you are confused because you think you shouldn't be having them. I agree with all of the others find someone to talk to.
Your situation reminded me a great deal of what all of us Moms go through to some extent. While we are pregnant everyone caters to us. Doors are opened, chairs offered, can anyone be offered more help than while they are pregnant? Then all of a sudden baby comes along and WHO IS MOM? We are pushed out of the limelight and now no one offers to do much of anything except hold the beautiful new baby, until baby needs changed. You are a wonderful wife and Mom and some day hopefully you will get recognition for how much you have done for everyone around you.

[capricorn]

Monster...You have read me well. I would love to but don't know where to begin. It's lonely isn't it? I would like to volunteer or maybe find a group meeting with women like me. I can't seem to fina any groupd and my attorney told me if I volunteer than WC can say that I can do whatever I'm doing for $$$$ and I would lose my case. That's why I want it settled. I need to be free because I feel so very trappped right now. How do you plan on starting over? Some days I don't even get dressed anymore and when I do go out I can't wait to get home. I am going to PT again tomorrow and hope it helps to get out alone. This probably won't last because every time I start anything on my back I have a sciatic flare up. Plus I have had some really bad luck with PT's. I am hoping to join an aquatic group when this is settled. I'm sure I'll meet someone there. Monster I have been all business for so many years I don't know how to do it any other way. I am most comfortable in a professional environement so I was thinking when this is over of volunteering for domestic abuse. It's around our court house in a real nice area. We'll work on this together.

Love you,
CAP

[jayne]

cappy go rock babies in an aids ward if you are close to a big hospital

[red1030]

Cap...the more I hear you talk truly of your feelings...the more I realize how just alike we are. We really could do a lot of good for each other if we just got together. I am serious when I say that my husband and I would pick you up and bring you where we want to go together...you can ask everyone who met Del and I ... we are typically nice people.... just someone with MS, and the other with a back injury. So we are down to earth type of people. When my professional life and education was completely taken that was the last straw for me. I seriously slept for a year and a half and was considering suicide the entire time. I felt so guilty and lost all the time that I wasn't doing anything during that time and angry that neither was anyone else... and then I was ashamed that I dare feel sorry for myself because my doctors would not allow me to return to work. They would not give me a realize form to work anywhere. I was heart broken and I thought my life was over. I had calls from people but I would not take them so eventually most of them stopped calling. I have not in years taken any time to have friends because I put my life into my family and my staff and residents. Then suddenly it was all gone. My life truly ceased to exist in my mind. Recently I have met a young women who lives in Levitown PA and who has MS. We met on a MS forum and she wanted to meet. Since then she has decided that we are best friends and she wants to do something together at least once a week. I have so much trouble trying to find the time or the desire to be with someone at least weekly or twice a week. On the other hand, just as others have suggested getting out is so wonderful at relieving stress...and anxiety for that matter. Going to NY really helped my mind a lot. Maybe you, Kim and I could go to NY on the train from Hamilton NJ one of these days and see a show or just for lunch...it is so nice... cap anytime you need a day to be wtih friends, I would love to be your friend...just give me a call ok...love Red

[UndercovrAngel]

Cap,

I can certainly sympathize with you and what you are feeling. Although I go to work everyday, my fellow employees are nothing but just that. I love talking to the customers all day and helping them with their needs. But then I have to come home and take care of everything here as well. I barely get in the door some nights before the BF is saying.. "I'm hungry. When's dinner?". He's had time to be home and relax a bit before I am even off of work. And then there is the daily clutter to clean up, dinner to make and clean up from, getting things ready for the next work day... it's just a never ending cycle. And while I am doing all of this, he is kicked back on the bed, watching tv and relaxing. While I am trying to unwind and get the pain down to a liveable level to where I can sleep, he's already been asleep for an hour or so. He gets a good 10 hours of sleep a night...and I am lucky if I get 4.. but I am back up and at it at 4:45 the next morning. Even when I have my 2 days off a week.. I don't. There is always something that needs done around the house, or errands that need run

The one thing I have found that helps with this, is being able to forgive yourself, first and foremost for having these feelings. They are normal. As women, we are expected to be nurturers and the one's that take care of everything. But after so long, we just have to let go and let God. Don't beat yourself up for being angry or resenting the difference between the life that you have (or in this case don't have) and what your hubbie has when he is well. It won't change the situation.

Jayne had the right idea when she said to volunteer in the hospital. There is always a need for volunteers. Whether it is rocking babies, or reading a story to a youngster while his or her parents take a few minutes to get something to eat.. or just take a break. There are seniors that never have visitors and would love to have you read to them. In TX, they have a program called CASA. Although I don't know what it stands for, it is basically adults that are advocates for children that have been abused or some such and need an adult that will look out for their best interests in the court setting. Or, by letting go and letting God, you could always join a woman's church group.

Just some thoughts.

Angel ^j^

[red1030]

Cap...I have been thinking about this thread all day. Cap I am not sure if you recognize the courage that you have. You have so much courage to bring out issues and admit to what we as women might consider a weakness in each of us, and yet you bring it out and encourage us to do the same without the guilt or fear of what it all means. This is not the first time that you have done that for me, and I truly want to thank you for your courage and your stength...you have been a blessing to me. Just thought you needed to know that because sometimes we forget to tell someone just how important a comment or thought said has a positive impact on our lives. I don't believe that I would ever have said that I have ever had resentment if not for your courage...and I have always believed for most things that you must recognize the issues before you can ever make a change in terms of how to perceive life to be around you... thank you Red

[capricorn]

Morning girls......guilt is another emotion I'm stuck on right now and it's stupid. I feel that because of my daughter's problems I have forced her to move out even though in my conscious mind I know she wanted to for the past couple of years and probably didn't get into it completely because of my injuries and wanting to help me. So I should have no guilt and neither should she. She's 29 and been ready for a couple of years now. I think I am also angry at hubby for getting sick when he did. Like it's his fault. LOL I had just made some major decisions about MY life and again they are put on hold. I asked my attorney about volunteering and he told me it's better to wait until we settle my case. He believes it can be used against me. I found a resource center for women near me that I'm going to call and see what they have to offer. Maybe they can suggest some groupd in my area/

Red.......Thanks for the vote of confidence . I have been in counseling off and on since I was in my 20's. That's about 30 years. If nothing else I've learned it's to let it out and talk about it. It really helps. Thank you for your offer of friendship. Right now I haven't been out alone again for a long time. I did this 2 years ago when I was first injured and it took me awhile to get comfortable being out in the world alone and I just lost it again so I need to work on it. Having PTSD, my husband's dx and my daughter's breakdown have set me back. It's scary and very hard to pull myself out of but I know I can. It takes longer and longer each time I get into a dissociative mood to come back but I will. I have my life mapped out after I settle my WC case and pray that it all works out. It should be an interesting road.

Angel......You make me lose that feeling of being on the pity pot. Much as people would like to thinkg that the male and female roles are alike they are not. I'm sure with some men they can be. I filled out an application for CASA while I was still working. Then my husband was injured and I was lucky I could work FT, take care of him and his parents. I put my life and what I wanted on hold as I always do and then I was injured. It is still a real possibility in my life when I have settled. I'm going between CASA and out Domestic Abuse Program. I'm hoping not to lose my pension in the next couple of months so I can spend my time with some of these organizations and give something back that's been given to me.

Love,
CAP

[Still in Limbo]

Hi Cap., I don't know if I can Add much more than has already been said, but Anger, Guilt, and some of the other Emotions You are going through are Natural, but as the Others have Said, it always Helps to Seek Professional Help if Necessary.

I look at Life in a Certain Way, and Maybe this will Help You a Bit. There are 2 Types of Personalities in this World, Takers and Givers. Some People are Happy to go through Life only Worrying about themselves, without a Care for anyone Else, and they are Content with that. They feel that if they Feel O.K., Everyone Else Feels O.K., and they are not in Contact with others Feelings.

Then there are the Givers, who always Seem to be there when Someone Needs them, Doesn't Worry about their Own Welfare, and will do anything for anyone within Reason, to try and Help. They will Stretch themselves thin, and Give as much as is needed, to Make the other Person Better, and Sometimes they get Lost within themselves while doing so. They Push Their emotions aside to Care for the other Person, and when All of the Dust Settles, and they have Time to Think, Their Emotions Overcome and Flood them, such as You are Feeling Now. It's a Natural thing to Feel these Emotions, and You should feel No Guilt, You have a Right to be Angry, and I agree with Some of the Others that You should Make Your Feelings known, get them out, and try and Work through them. If the Reaction You get is not what You Expect or Deserve, and Counseling is not Something You want to Deal with then a Decision has to be Made, do You let this Pass, and Carry on with Your Life, or do You make the Changes Necessary to Make yourself feel like You have Worth, and to feel Happiness again! What that would be, is Something You would have to Decide on, but I have seen Many a Spouse make a 360 Turn-Around when they think they are gong to Lose their Spouse, I know, My Wife made Me Decide on Booze or Her, and the Damn Booze went Out the Door!!

I didn't Mean to Ramble on, I Hope this Helps You a Bit, and Helps You to think Clearer, I am a Giver, and I don't think I could Look Myself in the Mirror if I were a Taker, and I think You feel the Same way. And when You are a Giver, these Emotions are going to catch-up with You from Time to Time, and We have to Deal with them! I Hope this Passes and All Goes Well, as You said it May be the Exhaustion, or it could Be Medical. My Prayers are up as always for You and Your Family, and My Very Best to You All!!