Losing it - Printable Version
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Losing it - capricorn - 02-24-2010 12:03 PM
Bill's biopsy is tomorrow at 7:00.....they are saying this next winter storm will start tonight so I have no idea what we'll wake up to or if we'll even be able to get there or if we'll get there and the tech won't be there.....at noon I have a diagnostic mammo and ultrasound to have due to a lump....long day aggravated by SNOW>SNOW>SNOW>
On top o fit all my youngest daughter has been off and on dating a guy she's know for about 10 for the past two......he moved in with her 6 months ago... against the whole families better judgement.....he abuses drugs....off and on.... he thinks constant flirting with every girl he sees and girls he meets online is OK.....She has paid 90% of the bills since he moved in because he is on unemployment and makes no effort to change this. He has told me she's crazy and yells at him when he flirts with strange girls....things she has told me I have told her he is badgering her and mentally abusing her......bad situation...last sat....he got up ..packed his things and said I'm leaving...this isn't going to work between us.....and left....she is brokenhearted.....cries constantly...wants him back (Dear Lord ...I don't know why) He moved back to his mother's because his father doesn't want him there and the mother had no choice......coincidentally the mother and her boyfriend are on vacation for a week so he has a bachelor pad for the week.....Any advise....I have no more words for her ...I don't know what else to say......I'm worried about her and can't really do much because of Bill's health....Anyone ever go through this with one of their children? You want to kill the hurter and soothe your child....but I have never been in this position and want her to get on with her life and yet I know that's easier said than done.....HELP!
What nerves I have are shot.....it's all affecting my diabetes .......and I just want to ask everyone to leave me alone for a day or two....
RE: Losing it - Still in Limbo - 02-24-2010 12:35 PM
My Daughter just went through a Similar Situation, with a Man that I Thought would never Change, it was a Living He** For Ellen and I!! But in My Situation My Girl wouldn't give Up, and He is Working and in Rehab, and They have Just Moved into a Very Nice Apartment, and All has Turned Out Great!! My Girl is Hard Headed, and saw Something in Him I didn't, and She Brought it Out in Him!! Just give Her Love and Make Sure She is Safe Cap., beyond that She is going to have to Make the Decision whether He is Worth the Trouble or not!! Try and Guide Her, but the Ultimate Decision , as with My Girl, will be Hers!!
RE: Losing it - capricorn - 02-24-2010 12:52 PM
Thanks Limbo...I do remember your story......This guy cleans up for a couple of months and that's it...my daughter sees good in him but he is basically saying he doesn't want to change..he wants to do what he wants and doesn't want to be in a relationship.....She has spent a couple of night s with us this week and I think she felt more comfortable..told her she is welcome to move back in.....but her privacy will be gone....she is a beautiful, intelligent, professional who has been self supporting for 10 years.....they're not suited for each other..... I could just scream....he's gone, she wants him back and I'm the one not sleeping at night....trying to keep as much of it away from Bill that I can...Oh Limbo...does it ever end.
RE: Losing it - red1030 - 02-24-2010 01:05 PM
Cap, this is very hard and I don't envy your position right now. I have two daughters who both grew up too fast and made decisions very quickly that I had very little control over. That was hard in its self. My daughters were young when they married. However, remember I was only 14 when Del and I became engaged and he joined the army at 17 so that we could marry and then by the time he got through basic and finally settled somewhere I was 17 and he was 18..then we got married. I said that to say none of what my girls did seemed strange to me at all. However, I was diagnosed with MS 103096...yes on my 4oth birthday... I was in the hospital state side at walter reed army hospital for almost 3 months so I came home around January 1997. When I got there found out that my oldest daughter who now is 21 is getting married as soon as the General says it is ok, and then my youngest was leaving the island with a man to get married. AS it turned out, both girls left in Feburary 1997... another shocker for me, our son joined the airforce and left 2 days after I got home.. and then the girls left... they were both married in Las Vegas In October 1997. One went to the dessert in california and one went to the sea side in california... so del and I now are alone and me with a new disease.. I said all this to say... that you can't do anything except love them. AT least that was my only avenue at the time. When I think back on it I was still in shock..I was being medically boarded from the navy, my future was unsure...and everything had changed in a very short matter of time. Knowing all of this cap, I can only say, I could only watch and love and pray that God would be with them and protect them from themselves to allow them to make good decisions and so forth. I do believe that Del was the one who mostly discussed it with them...I could not at the time. AS it turn out the oldest one and her husband divorced after 5 years of marriage, (Dawn and his mother are still best friends) and the youngest one who was on 17 at the time, well she is doing just fine and she and her husband are still married with 3 of my grand children. Chris of course is married and all is going allow as planned. Sometime however these little changes and decisions that they make do not make a lot of sense to us as parents who have our own set of issues so all we can do is set and watch and love. Anything you say or don't say will not be right and may be remembered poorly. I know even through Brandi is doing ok... with her family and appears to be happy when we had our BIG disagreement what came up was why did I allow her to get married at such a young age... knowing this I don't believe there is anything you can do except wait, watch, love, and pray pray pray. Since all of this however, Dawn is remarried to a wonderful man and they have a child Victoria, Dawn has her masters degree in social work, Chris is married and has two children, Chris also has his masters degree.. Brandi has a great job but has not reentered education since she left... but is doing great with her job and with her family. She has 3 of my little grands. So it may all turn out ok, but mostly your daughter has to see and make her own decisions and you watch on the side line...it is so hard to let them go like that... good luck dear friend. Red
RE: Losing it - capricorn - 02-24-2010 01:18 PM
Thank you Red....I appreciate your words more than you know....I do love her...I didn't say anything when she let him move in although I knew it would end some day like this.....I can love her and comfort her BUT I can' take the same conversation over and over....I don't mind listening at all but she doesn't seem to be listening to anyone and I don't ever want to say "I can't listen anymore" but have felt like it a couple of times.....it might be 11:00 at night and I'm sleeping...I get up and listen and talk.....her friends are there for her but she isn't taking a break at all in talking about this....is this normal? She missed work today and I'm sure everyone will know why.....so now she's uncomfortable at her job of 13 years.....that's hard to swallow....I have never looked for the easy way out or expected a magic wand to come by but right now I do.....I've asked God's angels to surround her and heal her.....I don't feel that there is anything else I can say to her that I haven't said over and over ...it's all been said....now it's time to move on....just like he has done.
RE: Losing it - jayne - 02-24-2010 02:07 PM
Cappy I have 5 grown children and 3 still at home I love all of them but for the life of me I have never understood how or why they picked the mates they did....some turned out good some not....I have no words of wisdom.....all I can say is you raised her and I know she will remember all you taught her and turn out just fine.... remember and record all this so you can tell her children when she starts wondering why they are causing her sleepless nites and grey hair......
RE: Losing it - Still in Limbo - 02-24-2010 03:02 PM
Cap., Hold Her Tight, Make Sure She knows How Much You and Bill Love Her, and let Her know She always has a Home to Come to. Even though I'm Hurt, I was able to have a Small Talk with Justine's Boy Friend when We went Out to Have a Cigarette while We were awaiting the News of whether She Miscarriaged or not. I Told Him how Proud I was that He was Working and in Rehab., Something I had Never done Before, but Then I Made it Very Clear that it's Time to "Man Up" and take Care of Her, She is going to Need Him More than Ever now, and if He Couldn't Handle it to Tell Me Now. I told Him I would Bring Her Back Home and take Care of Her, Ellen and I, but if He Loved Her that's His Job, not Mine!! He Stepped Up, and has been There every Step of the Way for Her, and has been doing Just Fine!! On the Dark Side, and He knows Me and so does His Father, We grew Up Together, I made it Very Clear that if He EVER Laid One More Hand on Her in Anger, I Promised Him, not Threatened Him that I Will give Him a Third Eye, and His Father knows it also!! But things are going so Well We are going There for Dinner Saturday Night, something We Never did Before!! Hang in there and Give the Love, and the Lord will Help with the Rest!!
RE: Losing it - Tuffy - 02-24-2010 04:30 PM
Cap, She is going through a rough time right now, She in her own way was in love with that jerk, good or bad, and there is nothing more hurtfull than REJECTION and anyone you talk to who has been rejected by someone they love will feel what she is going through now.
Time will heal, but now she just needs love and reasurance , and to know that you and dad are behind any decisions she will make. Talking is some of the best therapy.
You have done your part and raised a responsable young woman, Be proud, She is now an adult and will make her own choices, Just love her and stand by her side,
All will work out....It will take time, right now she is hurting........
RE: Losing it - kit - 02-24-2010 05:33 PM
Cap, my sister has been in the exact same situation for the last 16 years. My other sister and I paid for an apartment for her when she was going to leave him for the 5th time. That lasted about 6 weeks, she went back to him, defaulted on the lease and my other sister and I had to pay it off. They have now lost their home, she moved in with my mother for a while, he was not allowed. My mom came to visit me and my sister moved in her husband. Then had the gall to call here crying because her Husband got drunk and totaled his truck into a parked car. So she wanted $2,000 from my mom to file for a devorce. My mom gave it to her. My sister moved out of my moms house and after her husbands family wouldn't take him in he is back living with her. She has not completed the devorce. He is still unemployed, tells my sister if she needs more money that she should go out and get a second job, because it's his unemployment check and not hers. Our family has been dealing with this for the last 16 years. There came a time when I had to walk away. Emotionaly I can't deal with it anymore. She calls for money almost weekly, but I can't keep enabling her. I love her she is my sister, but at this point I have done all I can for her. I send money to her children for things she cannot afford for them. I'm paying a Tutuor for my niece to help her through geometry so she can get out and get into a college and leave all this behind, I just got her quarter grades and she is getting an A in geometry now. I would love to pay for some counseling for her two kids, belive me they need it, but she wont have it. She says there is nothing wrong. I think if your husband beat your 10 year old kid and you had him arrested for it something is wrong. All this is a horrible situation, please share this with your daughter maybe it will keep her from taking the wrong path. If not let her know you love her, just not her decisions. Good luck and God Bless.
RE: Losing it - backache - 02-24-2010 06:27 PM
Oh Cappy, My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I am sure she is a very strong, loving, caring person, that is what usually gets us in trouble. We can see all of the defects in these people that we fall in love with, but we just know that we can change them. This usually doesn't work, I am so happy that it did for Stills daughter. I think his future son in law is very smart to have realized before it was to late what he was going to lose and Thank God he is helping himself. Your daughter may or may not be that lucky. There seems to be a big difference in this man that your daughter is with compared to Stills daughter. You can talk until you are blue in the face, tel them almost anything, but they have to learn on their own. Both my daughter and son had very bad relationships and Thank God they got out of them. I threatened the man who was abusive to my daughter, not physically, but he could have lost a very good job if I pressed the matter, and the girl Jason was with for years got pregnant by someone else. He learned his lesson very quickly. Just be there for her and maybe she will see the light. I sure hope she does.