08-13-2009, 07:49 AM
I am not sure I should be doing this, but I just feel that I owe everyone an explanation before I depart from this site. I also feel that I need you all to know that your friendship, kindness, and care throughout these 3 years will never be forgotten. As my MS progresses, or other issues progress, I will always have all of you to remember. I guess one of the most memorable issues, is Admin putting Jayne in the shed and she was pregnant. Next, are the BINGO games and the joy that you all brought to me as I watched from my computer and saw the fun stuff, the competition, the excitement of getting a word and so on? Then without a doubt, there is the day that tweedy put a picture of a computer with a hand sticking out in friendship and holding a rose. How could I ever forget any of this? What a blessing you have all been. Then of course there was Tulsa, Illinois, and spending two days painting with spring in Idaho. I still miss spring so much. Then of course we had the castle trip thanks to Backache and her husband. So much fun, so much togetherness…. Sweet tooth called Jayne, herself and me the 3 musketeers… I loved it. But how could anyone not love our Sweet tooth. She and her husband Skeeter will always be my brother and sister. Then there is Still in Limbo… my buddy, my brother, and my friend in every way. And he introduced me to Ellen his wife. She is the rock of understanding, love, and common sense. Still….thank you so much for helping me to accept my wheel chair when it was ordered. Then we have our Tuffy who I know ran a sharp wing or unit in her day. Thank you Tuffy for your everlasting friendship. Wink, AQA…you added so much to make the BINGO games fun, thank you so much. Tweedy, I have missed you. MJC…what a pleasure to meet you and your sister. Tammy is the best and so are you. I will always remember my first hug from you MJC. Thanks so much. Thanks for caring as you do. Vickinate….. What can I say except thank you for always being there? Then there is Admin…wow you made this site a success. You really cared for us all, and I thank you for it. Thanks for my coffee cups and to wink for the clock. I will treasure them always remembering a page in my life that was really good. Wink, I can’t leave without saying good bye to you. You were a true friend to me, and most likely you are the one that I have let down the most. Please know pedestals do fall and I took a BIG one. Monster… you have been through so much and yet you cope so well. If only I had a 1/3 of your strength I most likely would not be here in this predicament today.
I am sure that most of you would be interested to know about (as I found out last night) my many post, which by the way, I don’t remember writing and you will understand this soon, about being an abused woman. Before I get into that, however, I want to share a little medical history with you all about me. In 2005, I had an exacerbation and the end result of this was my (what is called an emotional center) hypothalamus was completely covered with plague. Plague is scar tissue on the nervous system. When scar tissue builds up, then messages are not sent or received. Consequently my mental health doc keeps a close eye on my emotional stability or at least I believe they think that they did. In 7/2006 I was put on Ativan 0.5 mg three times a day to assist with an anxiety disorder that is a direct result of the damage to my hypothalamus. There could also be anxiety just because it is difficult to accept recognized changes or losses. However, I really never took this drug because I didn’t feel like I needed it. I did however; always order it so I had a rather large stash. During the year of 7/06-8/07 I took only 30 Ativan pills, but by now, I had available to me 90 pills per bottle X 11 ½. I guess that would be an inventory of 1000 pills. Then in Nov/Dec 07 I had a difficult time with Del’s mother and did not cope well with it at all. I just didn’t understand her anger with me which I know now is related to the fact that I took her son and my son away from the west coast and moved to the east coast when I joined the Navy. Consequently, I started taking the pills to calm my nerves. I didn’t start with 1 pill 3 times a day, I believe while there I was taking around 4-5 pills a day. No big deal, at least I didn’t believe it was and it helped me to stay calm. Then I started to increase the amounts again after I returned home because of other stressors that I was not able to cope without medication or I thought. I am guessing that this is about the time that I started to believe that I could only relax by popping the Ativan. What I didn’t realize and do realize now, I was becoming a dependent. Unfortunately during this time when I was taking these pills Del and I were not doing very well … right now I believe it was because I was having side effects and he didn’t really know how to cope with my behavior. Then about February 08…I stopped the pills altogether. However, my doctor said he wanted changed my order from prn (as needed) to three times a day. He said it would help my anxiety. Then I decided to start them again. Unfortunately as had been my history I gradually was increasing them on my own. I don’t remember for sure how much I had increased them too by May of 2008 but I would guess I was taking 5-6 pills a day. In May of 2008 just a few months after I started taking this medication again, my stress was mounting again about paying for Del’s school, changes in our income, higher prices of gas and which inadvertently affected our electric bill…to be as high as 1400.00 a month. Finally one night, Del and I had a rather heated discussion and I just decided this was it…I was not going to make one more decision, or rob peter to pay Paul again. Del said he was leaving and consequently, I attempted suicide. Some of you know about this, but some do not. This was a very difficult time for Del and my kids. Things changed big time around here. I was suddenly the child and I guess I deserved that. After all I had lost some credibility.
Most likely most of you would remember all the preparations, paintings I did for various people and so forth and then our trip to the castle in June of 2008. I didn’t sleep much while there…. Not knowing at the time that the Ativan has what is called a Paradoxical reaction when taken in access which will create hyperactivity, insomnia, paranoia and so forth. I was experiencing them all. Then in September 08 Del graduated and he was unable to find a job or he didn’t want to find a job. I now know from my kids that he and the kids agreed that Del would not go to work for awhile because they didn’t’ want me to be left at home alone. What a strange cycle this is. The kids and Del agreed that he should stay home to be with me due to my strange behavior related mostly to taking too many Ativan which they didn’t know about and thought it was just a sign of my MS progressing. Then for me the stress was mounting and so were the number of anxiety because if Del didn’t get a job, I was going to lose my home. I started around this time increasing my Ativan to maybe 8-9 pills a day.
Next of course, here comes January 2009, and our finances are in total ruin, and there is a large wedding that I can’t help with and feel very guilty about, then in February, my house was full of people due to the wedding etc etc etc. The stressors continued to mount and I started taking a few more a day. I don’t believe I was ever taking more than 10. I took 4 in the morning and usually about 2-3 more in the afternoon and then 3-4 at bedtime. By all accounts I should have died. My body for some reason continued to adapt to it. However, you may remember that it was about this time, that I started to lose time and the belief was that I was having silent seizures. Most likely (not definite but it is a sign of Ativan overdose) was happening because of my over use of the Ativan not the MS. Then in March 2009 I could not find any way to make our house payment so for the first time in 12 years in was not made. I started getting calls as is expected and I felt so horrible. I was raised that your word is a hand shake or just stating it..So knowing I was not meeting this commitment was creating more anxiety and so forth. I seem to be doing ok, except that my paranoia about my family was getting stronger. I believed that Del was having an affair (and yet he was with me all the time), my older daughter just wanted me dead so that she could claim my insurance (which really is not that much); nothing about my son, and that my youngest daughter hated me. I started cooking for her as a way to help her and to say, Love me, I love you. It was strange the things that went through my mind.
Then we had to make this move to the apartment. I did lose my house, I had to give a lot of my things that I had collected over the years, and it was very stressful for me. Then Del had surgery two days before we started the move and his family showed up out of the blue. My stress just continued to mount and I can guarantee I took most days over 10 pills by this time.
Then I had a new Mental Health Doctor assigned to me since mine moved elsewhere. He didn’t like the way the doctor had ordered the Ativan so not knowing this history he order them 1 mg twice a day. So he actually decreased my Ativan. AT this time I still had a stash from when I didn’t take the medications and had been storing them away.
So now we come to where Brandi my youngest daughter and I have a complete falling out. The pain in my heart was more than I could bear. I know I started taking at least 15-16 pills a day to escape. Most of what I wrote during this time was mostly delusional. I say this based on reading and understanding the side effects of Ativan over use and what was confirm by my psychiatrist. This was all coming to a close and soon but I would go through Hell and so would my family as a result.
Del had an appointment at the VA on the night of the 3rd (Monday night). Vickie read to me a post that I wrote the morning of the 4th that due to my test I was going to be admitted. I can only guess that I was getting Del’s test and mine all mixed up in my writing. I was scheduled for a MRI that day, and mental health. As for the hospital admission, due to what happened the night before me most likely in my mind I figured they would keep me after the MRI and due to the mental health issues.
Now I need to explain a few things that I have learned about over dosing on Ativan and its accumulative affects. My mental health doc has diagnosed me with the following added mental health issues. All this happened yesterday after I was able to really give him the true history of what I have been doing….and even saying that, I am not sure of any memory that I have.
1. Anterograde Amnesia. What I have learned about this is that your brain loses the ability to create a memory after an event and may in fact try to fill in the holes with a memory that is hallucinary or delusional. And most likely that memory will be lost again.
2. Advancing Paranoia
3. Paradoxical Reaction to the Ativan. What this simply means is that the Ativan due to the high doses I was taking was having the opposite effect on me. Instead of calming me and allowing my body to relax, I became more hyperactive. I never stopped. Insomnia was an issue. I would stay up all night to clean my house or to cook and still get through the next day just fine. I know Del was really worried about me. The problem here is that mental health didn’t trust Del because of some things I told them that I can’t say for sure is true or not. I told that he hit me the night that I tried to committee suicide. I told them that he has always been violent towards me and that I was afraid of him. In my mind, because I was creating my own memories and was delusional from all the Ativan.
After Del returned from his MRI the night of the 3rd, all seemed to be fine. We went to bed together about midnight. From what I have been told as I have no memory of these events, I started accusing Del of talking to women on the computer. He was frustrated which he admits so I know this to be true, and him and I went into the office together. He wanted to show me his computer. According to what I have been told, somewhere in this situation I broke glass and began to jump up and down on it and was very hysterical. Del says he slapped me trying to get me out of what he called a “hysterical moment.” However, requardless of what I was doing no one has a right to slap another person. It is a sign of poor anger management and coping skills. Somewhere through all this, he packed and went outside and left in the car. I called all three of my kids crying very hard (I heard the messages afterwards) and saying that their dad was trying to kill me. Without any doubt here, my daughter in Oregon was on the phone with my son and my son and youngest daughter who live here were at my house. By this time, I was totally hysterical and Del was outside...he had come back. He says he was worried about me. The kids called an ambulance; I refused to go and was quit convincing according to my daughter. I have some memory of a man asking me about what had happened, and I believe I told him it was a family matter and I was not leaving. The ambulance left. Then Chris and Brandi decided they were taking me to the VA for evaluation. I was hysterical again, and while Chris was driving, and Brandi and Dawn in Oregon were talking on the phone…I jumped out of the car at a stop sign and the car was barely moving. I sort of remember this, but not in its entirety. I am repeating what has been written down for me by my kids. Chris said he felt he had no choice, he convinced me to get back in the car, and he took me home. When we arrived home, Del was as I am told by the kids, sitting at the table crying struggling with everything that was happening. The kids stayed that night and I guess I just simply did wash clothes all night as if nothing had happened. I truly do not remember much of any of this and what I think I remember is like a puzzle that does not make too much sense to me.
The morning of the 4th, the kids left for work, and Del took me into the VA for my appointments. I was having a MRI. I am extremely hyper sensitive to enclosed places. So guess what I did. I popped many Ativan that morning, I can’t even say for sure how many. I remember clearly going into the MRI that morning and then somewhere in the process I was brought out and I asked about how many more sessions there was going to be. I was told 2 more 30 minute ones, then 3 with contrast. That is the last thing I remember until Brandi walked up to me, sitting in my wheel chair that was positioned by the elevator that takes you to the VA parking lot. I remember saying something about “where is dad” and Brandi told me he was on his way to Oregon. I was again hysterical going down the elevators. I sort of remember begging her to take me to the apartment now… she says I was quit hostile about it. She did not however, and then her husband and she locked me in a room because I said I was going to walk to the apartment to stop Del. Brandi told me what had happened but at the time I didn’t understand. I know now what happened. Dawn my oldest daughter who lives in Oregon and is a Social Worker called my therapist Debbie and told her about the events of the night before. (My concern here is that the focus became about a slap which was not right or ok, but no one said what is happening to carol…she is going nuts). Del and I went to mental health of which I have no memory of doing, and we were separated in two rooms. Then Del was handed a court ruling that said he had to leave the state. I guess there is some legislature about of a person who is considered disabled as I am. He was escorted out of the hospital and he left to the apartment to pack his things up. Then I guess they called Brandi to pick me up.
Then as the events began to unfold, as I understand right this minute from the people involved in all of this, my oldest daughter confirmed that her dad had hit me in our early years of marriage, however, I need to say, that according to my mother who is here now, Del never hit me. During our early years we lived with my parents a couple of times and then on the farm most of the time next to them. My son and youngest daughter said that their father was easily angered but did hit me as far as they knew by what I had told them on the night I attempted suicide.
My Dad told mental health that Del was a hard worker and he always supported his family until I joined the Navy and then things changed for Del. (Background here…Del and my Dad worked for Champion International a plywood plant and Del was Dad’s foreman or boss). Also my dad did tell Del to leave his house once using a gun as support of what he was saying because he didn’t like what had happened when he pushed me. As we do not believe in Divorce … the families helped us work out our differences which was mainly related to my belief’s versus his. So as it is now, and as I believe it to be, Del never abused me physically when we were younger.
Well to back up a bit…I am locked up, my phone was removed, and I convinced Alexia to let me out. (All I can say here, is my reputation for being a loving grandmother in my mind just went out the door...how could I put her in the middle). I escaped, went to the road where Del would have to drive by and waited. I just remember begging him not to go. But again it is a puzzle. From that time, until I guess Friday morning…I think it was Friday morning I only have small memories that may or may not be true. Some things happened in those days that I don’t remember at all. I did read last night as Vickinate and I were talking on the phone that Still in Limbo said that he called me. I am so sorry still; I have absolutely no memory of it at all. Jayne told me yesterday she has been talking to me; I have no memory of it at all. I do have a piece where I think in a conversation she told me she liked my mom and dad. I can’t even be sure about that.
Because I was getting more hostile, violent, and hyper about everything, Daniel, our youngest daughter’s husband stayed for 48 hours straight with me. During that time, he noticed that I was taking a lot of Ativan. He called Dawn in Oregon. Dawn works with children who are addicts. She recognizes and understands the side effects of most of the benzodiazepine drugs which Ativan is. Dawn began to research more about Ativan. She told Dan to take the Ativan and hide it. He did it. I am told that I was dumping a bottle of Ativan in my mouth and my mom hit it out of my hand. I was very hostile that she did that. (Please note, never in my life has the true Carol ever said a disrespectful thing to my mother.) I do not remember any of this, most likely could not bear it if I did. Dawn called my mental health doctor and a lot of stuff started from there.
You may be asking yourself why I am sharing this much of my life with all of you. My belief is that all of us are at risk of this type of an addiction without realizing it before it is too late as in my case. As addicts are known to do, they create problems and difficulties within the family dynamics. It is very clear that I did do this. I didn’t mean to, I don’t believe any addict does, however, I did do it. On the other hand, Del’s response to the changes in my behavior is not and will not be acceptable to me ever. I do however; understand how it all came about in his frustration and poor coping skills. Don’t believe that I am giving him an excuse, however, from what I wrote during my Ativan reactions I did Del an injustice and that needs to be corrected. I have heard from a few of you that there were things that you saw that appeared to be issues. Well there were issues obviously. Both he and I didn’t understand or know how to cope with the changes in both our lives. Then add the addiction to the drug and its many affects, our relationship was strained greatly. I did hear from a few of you about certain things that he did that caused you to have concern and mostly what I heard was just stuff about how Del and I function. When I am with my friends, I really don’t want him around. I don’t bother him with his friends. Del is a loner and always has been so socially he does not possibly mesh as some would think he should. He is generous to a fault, has a good heart, and carries a lot of baggage from his child hood. He speaks as he is in charge, and yet he has never made a family decision in his life. He doesn’t want to. I silently make the decisions while he talks it out.
The plan for Del and I is very shaky. I have some issues with the fact that he didn’t recognize I was not myself and then he left and went to Oregon. I need more understanding of this issue. I have an issue that he did slap me. I don’t deserve to be slapped under any circumstance. However, with my father in heaven guiding me I believe we can work through this. Any 35 year marriage is worth the shot. Del is going to anger management and I am going to find a therapist to help me work on self worth and some other issues that I am carrying. This has been a miserable couple of weeks but I brought a lot of it on myself and must take responsibility for it. My husband will stand before his maker and have to answer for his behavior.
My mom is now taking over responsibility for paying my bills, she is my proxy for all financial issues as my income is all there is. She is also taking on my medications. You would think that it would be I taking care of my mother, however, my mother is also very active and does not have more than 3 gray hairs in her head. She was 18 years old when I was born so she is 70 years old as of now. She will be an excellent resource and help to me especially during this recovery time period.
Health care has determined that I need the love and support of my family so I am moving to Oregon at the end of the month. My dad is trying to help me get all my things sold that I can’t put in his barn and my mom is looking for a RV for me to live in or a rental close by. This is all in writing from the VAMC.
I guess this is 10 pages so it is very long and very strange to give this much information...but I needed to correct some issues I wrote, and I also wanted to show how anyone can become an addict and how that can affect an entire family dynamics negatively. Right now I feel closer to my children than ever before. They all three are calling daily and the ones that are here, are coming by to make sure I am still ok. I love them so much that I know in my heart I will never make their life miserable again.
Again I want to thank you all. You all have been so good to me and so very close that you are my brothers and sisters. Thank you and I will carry all your names with me in my heart forever.
Sparkey..Oil paintings will be out by the end of next week. Admin we are working on something for you, and Vickie I will be seeing you…soon I hope… I am not leaving any of you that I know personally; I am just taking a long rest from the forum and any responsibilities. This is not a good time for me to make any life changing decisions so I am not saying goodbye forever, but I am saying, after I have this addiction under control, had lots of therapy, understand my disease process more fully, then I would like to have permission to pop in once in a while to say hi and let you all know I am still thinking about you. Through many tears I genuinely mean, you all have been the best. Thanks you so much……Red
Wink…I read that thread…I think I saw red…I had my car again...what a great memory...thank you. Carolyn Rice
I am sure that most of you would be interested to know about (as I found out last night) my many post, which by the way, I don’t remember writing and you will understand this soon, about being an abused woman. Before I get into that, however, I want to share a little medical history with you all about me. In 2005, I had an exacerbation and the end result of this was my (what is called an emotional center) hypothalamus was completely covered with plague. Plague is scar tissue on the nervous system. When scar tissue builds up, then messages are not sent or received. Consequently my mental health doc keeps a close eye on my emotional stability or at least I believe they think that they did. In 7/2006 I was put on Ativan 0.5 mg three times a day to assist with an anxiety disorder that is a direct result of the damage to my hypothalamus. There could also be anxiety just because it is difficult to accept recognized changes or losses. However, I really never took this drug because I didn’t feel like I needed it. I did however; always order it so I had a rather large stash. During the year of 7/06-8/07 I took only 30 Ativan pills, but by now, I had available to me 90 pills per bottle X 11 ½. I guess that would be an inventory of 1000 pills. Then in Nov/Dec 07 I had a difficult time with Del’s mother and did not cope well with it at all. I just didn’t understand her anger with me which I know now is related to the fact that I took her son and my son away from the west coast and moved to the east coast when I joined the Navy. Consequently, I started taking the pills to calm my nerves. I didn’t start with 1 pill 3 times a day, I believe while there I was taking around 4-5 pills a day. No big deal, at least I didn’t believe it was and it helped me to stay calm. Then I started to increase the amounts again after I returned home because of other stressors that I was not able to cope without medication or I thought. I am guessing that this is about the time that I started to believe that I could only relax by popping the Ativan. What I didn’t realize and do realize now, I was becoming a dependent. Unfortunately during this time when I was taking these pills Del and I were not doing very well … right now I believe it was because I was having side effects and he didn’t really know how to cope with my behavior. Then about February 08…I stopped the pills altogether. However, my doctor said he wanted changed my order from prn (as needed) to three times a day. He said it would help my anxiety. Then I decided to start them again. Unfortunately as had been my history I gradually was increasing them on my own. I don’t remember for sure how much I had increased them too by May of 2008 but I would guess I was taking 5-6 pills a day. In May of 2008 just a few months after I started taking this medication again, my stress was mounting again about paying for Del’s school, changes in our income, higher prices of gas and which inadvertently affected our electric bill…to be as high as 1400.00 a month. Finally one night, Del and I had a rather heated discussion and I just decided this was it…I was not going to make one more decision, or rob peter to pay Paul again. Del said he was leaving and consequently, I attempted suicide. Some of you know about this, but some do not. This was a very difficult time for Del and my kids. Things changed big time around here. I was suddenly the child and I guess I deserved that. After all I had lost some credibility.
Most likely most of you would remember all the preparations, paintings I did for various people and so forth and then our trip to the castle in June of 2008. I didn’t sleep much while there…. Not knowing at the time that the Ativan has what is called a Paradoxical reaction when taken in access which will create hyperactivity, insomnia, paranoia and so forth. I was experiencing them all. Then in September 08 Del graduated and he was unable to find a job or he didn’t want to find a job. I now know from my kids that he and the kids agreed that Del would not go to work for awhile because they didn’t’ want me to be left at home alone. What a strange cycle this is. The kids and Del agreed that he should stay home to be with me due to my strange behavior related mostly to taking too many Ativan which they didn’t know about and thought it was just a sign of my MS progressing. Then for me the stress was mounting and so were the number of anxiety because if Del didn’t get a job, I was going to lose my home. I started around this time increasing my Ativan to maybe 8-9 pills a day.
Next of course, here comes January 2009, and our finances are in total ruin, and there is a large wedding that I can’t help with and feel very guilty about, then in February, my house was full of people due to the wedding etc etc etc. The stressors continued to mount and I started taking a few more a day. I don’t believe I was ever taking more than 10. I took 4 in the morning and usually about 2-3 more in the afternoon and then 3-4 at bedtime. By all accounts I should have died. My body for some reason continued to adapt to it. However, you may remember that it was about this time, that I started to lose time and the belief was that I was having silent seizures. Most likely (not definite but it is a sign of Ativan overdose) was happening because of my over use of the Ativan not the MS. Then in March 2009 I could not find any way to make our house payment so for the first time in 12 years in was not made. I started getting calls as is expected and I felt so horrible. I was raised that your word is a hand shake or just stating it..So knowing I was not meeting this commitment was creating more anxiety and so forth. I seem to be doing ok, except that my paranoia about my family was getting stronger. I believed that Del was having an affair (and yet he was with me all the time), my older daughter just wanted me dead so that she could claim my insurance (which really is not that much); nothing about my son, and that my youngest daughter hated me. I started cooking for her as a way to help her and to say, Love me, I love you. It was strange the things that went through my mind.
Then we had to make this move to the apartment. I did lose my house, I had to give a lot of my things that I had collected over the years, and it was very stressful for me. Then Del had surgery two days before we started the move and his family showed up out of the blue. My stress just continued to mount and I can guarantee I took most days over 10 pills by this time.
Then I had a new Mental Health Doctor assigned to me since mine moved elsewhere. He didn’t like the way the doctor had ordered the Ativan so not knowing this history he order them 1 mg twice a day. So he actually decreased my Ativan. AT this time I still had a stash from when I didn’t take the medications and had been storing them away.
So now we come to where Brandi my youngest daughter and I have a complete falling out. The pain in my heart was more than I could bear. I know I started taking at least 15-16 pills a day to escape. Most of what I wrote during this time was mostly delusional. I say this based on reading and understanding the side effects of Ativan over use and what was confirm by my psychiatrist. This was all coming to a close and soon but I would go through Hell and so would my family as a result.
Del had an appointment at the VA on the night of the 3rd (Monday night). Vickie read to me a post that I wrote the morning of the 4th that due to my test I was going to be admitted. I can only guess that I was getting Del’s test and mine all mixed up in my writing. I was scheduled for a MRI that day, and mental health. As for the hospital admission, due to what happened the night before me most likely in my mind I figured they would keep me after the MRI and due to the mental health issues.
Now I need to explain a few things that I have learned about over dosing on Ativan and its accumulative affects. My mental health doc has diagnosed me with the following added mental health issues. All this happened yesterday after I was able to really give him the true history of what I have been doing….and even saying that, I am not sure of any memory that I have.
1. Anterograde Amnesia. What I have learned about this is that your brain loses the ability to create a memory after an event and may in fact try to fill in the holes with a memory that is hallucinary or delusional. And most likely that memory will be lost again.
2. Advancing Paranoia
3. Paradoxical Reaction to the Ativan. What this simply means is that the Ativan due to the high doses I was taking was having the opposite effect on me. Instead of calming me and allowing my body to relax, I became more hyperactive. I never stopped. Insomnia was an issue. I would stay up all night to clean my house or to cook and still get through the next day just fine. I know Del was really worried about me. The problem here is that mental health didn’t trust Del because of some things I told them that I can’t say for sure is true or not. I told that he hit me the night that I tried to committee suicide. I told them that he has always been violent towards me and that I was afraid of him. In my mind, because I was creating my own memories and was delusional from all the Ativan.
After Del returned from his MRI the night of the 3rd, all seemed to be fine. We went to bed together about midnight. From what I have been told as I have no memory of these events, I started accusing Del of talking to women on the computer. He was frustrated which he admits so I know this to be true, and him and I went into the office together. He wanted to show me his computer. According to what I have been told, somewhere in this situation I broke glass and began to jump up and down on it and was very hysterical. Del says he slapped me trying to get me out of what he called a “hysterical moment.” However, requardless of what I was doing no one has a right to slap another person. It is a sign of poor anger management and coping skills. Somewhere through all this, he packed and went outside and left in the car. I called all three of my kids crying very hard (I heard the messages afterwards) and saying that their dad was trying to kill me. Without any doubt here, my daughter in Oregon was on the phone with my son and my son and youngest daughter who live here were at my house. By this time, I was totally hysterical and Del was outside...he had come back. He says he was worried about me. The kids called an ambulance; I refused to go and was quit convincing according to my daughter. I have some memory of a man asking me about what had happened, and I believe I told him it was a family matter and I was not leaving. The ambulance left. Then Chris and Brandi decided they were taking me to the VA for evaluation. I was hysterical again, and while Chris was driving, and Brandi and Dawn in Oregon were talking on the phone…I jumped out of the car at a stop sign and the car was barely moving. I sort of remember this, but not in its entirety. I am repeating what has been written down for me by my kids. Chris said he felt he had no choice, he convinced me to get back in the car, and he took me home. When we arrived home, Del was as I am told by the kids, sitting at the table crying struggling with everything that was happening. The kids stayed that night and I guess I just simply did wash clothes all night as if nothing had happened. I truly do not remember much of any of this and what I think I remember is like a puzzle that does not make too much sense to me.
The morning of the 4th, the kids left for work, and Del took me into the VA for my appointments. I was having a MRI. I am extremely hyper sensitive to enclosed places. So guess what I did. I popped many Ativan that morning, I can’t even say for sure how many. I remember clearly going into the MRI that morning and then somewhere in the process I was brought out and I asked about how many more sessions there was going to be. I was told 2 more 30 minute ones, then 3 with contrast. That is the last thing I remember until Brandi walked up to me, sitting in my wheel chair that was positioned by the elevator that takes you to the VA parking lot. I remember saying something about “where is dad” and Brandi told me he was on his way to Oregon. I was again hysterical going down the elevators. I sort of remember begging her to take me to the apartment now… she says I was quit hostile about it. She did not however, and then her husband and she locked me in a room because I said I was going to walk to the apartment to stop Del. Brandi told me what had happened but at the time I didn’t understand. I know now what happened. Dawn my oldest daughter who lives in Oregon and is a Social Worker called my therapist Debbie and told her about the events of the night before. (My concern here is that the focus became about a slap which was not right or ok, but no one said what is happening to carol…she is going nuts). Del and I went to mental health of which I have no memory of doing, and we were separated in two rooms. Then Del was handed a court ruling that said he had to leave the state. I guess there is some legislature about of a person who is considered disabled as I am. He was escorted out of the hospital and he left to the apartment to pack his things up. Then I guess they called Brandi to pick me up.
Then as the events began to unfold, as I understand right this minute from the people involved in all of this, my oldest daughter confirmed that her dad had hit me in our early years of marriage, however, I need to say, that according to my mother who is here now, Del never hit me. During our early years we lived with my parents a couple of times and then on the farm most of the time next to them. My son and youngest daughter said that their father was easily angered but did hit me as far as they knew by what I had told them on the night I attempted suicide.
My Dad told mental health that Del was a hard worker and he always supported his family until I joined the Navy and then things changed for Del. (Background here…Del and my Dad worked for Champion International a plywood plant and Del was Dad’s foreman or boss). Also my dad did tell Del to leave his house once using a gun as support of what he was saying because he didn’t like what had happened when he pushed me. As we do not believe in Divorce … the families helped us work out our differences which was mainly related to my belief’s versus his. So as it is now, and as I believe it to be, Del never abused me physically when we were younger.
Well to back up a bit…I am locked up, my phone was removed, and I convinced Alexia to let me out. (All I can say here, is my reputation for being a loving grandmother in my mind just went out the door...how could I put her in the middle). I escaped, went to the road where Del would have to drive by and waited. I just remember begging him not to go. But again it is a puzzle. From that time, until I guess Friday morning…I think it was Friday morning I only have small memories that may or may not be true. Some things happened in those days that I don’t remember at all. I did read last night as Vickinate and I were talking on the phone that Still in Limbo said that he called me. I am so sorry still; I have absolutely no memory of it at all. Jayne told me yesterday she has been talking to me; I have no memory of it at all. I do have a piece where I think in a conversation she told me she liked my mom and dad. I can’t even be sure about that.
Because I was getting more hostile, violent, and hyper about everything, Daniel, our youngest daughter’s husband stayed for 48 hours straight with me. During that time, he noticed that I was taking a lot of Ativan. He called Dawn in Oregon. Dawn works with children who are addicts. She recognizes and understands the side effects of most of the benzodiazepine drugs which Ativan is. Dawn began to research more about Ativan. She told Dan to take the Ativan and hide it. He did it. I am told that I was dumping a bottle of Ativan in my mouth and my mom hit it out of my hand. I was very hostile that she did that. (Please note, never in my life has the true Carol ever said a disrespectful thing to my mother.) I do not remember any of this, most likely could not bear it if I did. Dawn called my mental health doctor and a lot of stuff started from there.
You may be asking yourself why I am sharing this much of my life with all of you. My belief is that all of us are at risk of this type of an addiction without realizing it before it is too late as in my case. As addicts are known to do, they create problems and difficulties within the family dynamics. It is very clear that I did do this. I didn’t mean to, I don’t believe any addict does, however, I did do it. On the other hand, Del’s response to the changes in my behavior is not and will not be acceptable to me ever. I do however; understand how it all came about in his frustration and poor coping skills. Don’t believe that I am giving him an excuse, however, from what I wrote during my Ativan reactions I did Del an injustice and that needs to be corrected. I have heard from a few of you that there were things that you saw that appeared to be issues. Well there were issues obviously. Both he and I didn’t understand or know how to cope with the changes in both our lives. Then add the addiction to the drug and its many affects, our relationship was strained greatly. I did hear from a few of you about certain things that he did that caused you to have concern and mostly what I heard was just stuff about how Del and I function. When I am with my friends, I really don’t want him around. I don’t bother him with his friends. Del is a loner and always has been so socially he does not possibly mesh as some would think he should. He is generous to a fault, has a good heart, and carries a lot of baggage from his child hood. He speaks as he is in charge, and yet he has never made a family decision in his life. He doesn’t want to. I silently make the decisions while he talks it out.
The plan for Del and I is very shaky. I have some issues with the fact that he didn’t recognize I was not myself and then he left and went to Oregon. I need more understanding of this issue. I have an issue that he did slap me. I don’t deserve to be slapped under any circumstance. However, with my father in heaven guiding me I believe we can work through this. Any 35 year marriage is worth the shot. Del is going to anger management and I am going to find a therapist to help me work on self worth and some other issues that I am carrying. This has been a miserable couple of weeks but I brought a lot of it on myself and must take responsibility for it. My husband will stand before his maker and have to answer for his behavior.
My mom is now taking over responsibility for paying my bills, she is my proxy for all financial issues as my income is all there is. She is also taking on my medications. You would think that it would be I taking care of my mother, however, my mother is also very active and does not have more than 3 gray hairs in her head. She was 18 years old when I was born so she is 70 years old as of now. She will be an excellent resource and help to me especially during this recovery time period.
Health care has determined that I need the love and support of my family so I am moving to Oregon at the end of the month. My dad is trying to help me get all my things sold that I can’t put in his barn and my mom is looking for a RV for me to live in or a rental close by. This is all in writing from the VAMC.
I guess this is 10 pages so it is very long and very strange to give this much information...but I needed to correct some issues I wrote, and I also wanted to show how anyone can become an addict and how that can affect an entire family dynamics negatively. Right now I feel closer to my children than ever before. They all three are calling daily and the ones that are here, are coming by to make sure I am still ok. I love them so much that I know in my heart I will never make their life miserable again.
Again I want to thank you all. You all have been so good to me and so very close that you are my brothers and sisters. Thank you and I will carry all your names with me in my heart forever.
Sparkey..Oil paintings will be out by the end of next week. Admin we are working on something for you, and Vickie I will be seeing you…soon I hope… I am not leaving any of you that I know personally; I am just taking a long rest from the forum and any responsibilities. This is not a good time for me to make any life changing decisions so I am not saying goodbye forever, but I am saying, after I have this addiction under control, had lots of therapy, understand my disease process more fully, then I would like to have permission to pop in once in a while to say hi and let you all know I am still thinking about you. Through many tears I genuinely mean, you all have been the best. Thanks you so much……Red
Wink…I read that thread…I think I saw red…I had my car again...what a great memory...thank you. Carolyn Rice
