01-11-2009, 01:01 PM
I received this from my Uncle Frank
Subject: Pets
>
> The following was found posted very low
> on a
> refrigerator door:
>
> Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the
> paw
> prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
> contain
> my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
> stake
> a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
> aesthetically
> pleasing in the slightest.
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR
> and is
> not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me
> doesn't
> help because I fall faster than you can run.
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king
> sized
> bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
> on the
> couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl
> up in a
> ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
> other,
> stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
> tails
> straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize
> space
> is nothing but sarcasm.
>
> For the last time, there is no secret
> exit from
> the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get
> the door
> shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
> get
> your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit
> through the
> same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
> canine/feline attendance is not required.
>
> The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me
> first,
> then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
>
> Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have
> posted
> the following message on the front door:
>
> TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE
> TO
> COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
> (1) They live here. You don't.
>
> (2) If you don't want their hair on your
>
> clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
>
> (3) I like my pets a lot better than I
> like
> most people.
>
> (4) To you, they are animals. To me,
> they are
> adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't
> speak
> clearly.
>
> Remember, dogs and cats are better than
> kids
> because they
>
> (1) eat less,
>
> 2) don't ask for money all the time,
>
> (3) are easier to train,
>
> (4) normally come when called,
>
> (5) never ask to drive the car,
>
> (6) don't hang out with drug-using
> people;
>
> (7) don't smoke or drink,
>
> (8) don't want to wear your clothes,
>
> (9) don't have to buy the latest
> fashions,
>
> (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for
> college
> and
>
> (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell
> their
> children ..
>
>
>
Subject: Pets
>
> The following was found posted very low
> on a
> refrigerator door:
>
> Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the
> paw
> prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
> contain
> my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
> stake
> a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
> aesthetically
> pleasing in the slightest.
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR
> and is
> not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me
> doesn't
> help because I fall faster than you can run.
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king
> sized
> bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
> on the
> couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl
> up in a
> ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
> other,
> stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
> tails
> straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize
> space
> is nothing but sarcasm.
>
> For the last time, there is no secret
> exit from
> the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get
> the door
> shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
> get
> your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit
> through the
> same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
> canine/feline attendance is not required.
>
> The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me
> first,
> then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
>
> Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have
> posted
> the following message on the front door:
>
> TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE
> TO
> COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
> (1) They live here. You don't.
>
> (2) If you don't want their hair on your
>
> clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
>
> (3) I like my pets a lot better than I
> like
> most people.
>
> (4) To you, they are animals. To me,
> they are
> adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't
> speak
> clearly.
>
> Remember, dogs and cats are better than
> kids
> because they
>
> (1) eat less,
>
> 2) don't ask for money all the time,
>
> (3) are easier to train,
>
> (4) normally come when called,
>
> (5) never ask to drive the car,
>
> (6) don't hang out with drug-using
> people;
>
> (7) don't smoke or drink,
>
> (8) don't want to wear your clothes,
>
> (9) don't have to buy the latest
> fashions,
>
> (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for
> college
> and
>
> (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell
> their
> children ..
>
>
>