Fake Penis Definitely Fails the (Drug) Test
About a decade ago we ran a story about a product called the Whizzinator, which is designed to help people cheat drug tests. This product is a fake penis that dispenses clean urine. The process involves mixing dehydrated "clean urine" with water that is stored with the device. The body heat of the person wearing it warms the water to a level designed to pass any temperature check of the resulting blended output.
All a drug test candidate had to do was whip out the Whizzinator and fill the urine cup to the brim with warm, clean, drug free reconstituted pee-pee. To the untrained eye, it would, for all intensive purposes, look like a convicted felon or job applicant using his own God given equipment. The device was available in both white and black, if you know what I mean. I am not sure if it was originally available in different sizes, but I imagine men would only have ordered extra large. After all, no one wants to suffer artificial penis envy.
So it should be no surprise that last week a Missouri man was arrested for trying to cheat his drug test by using the fake penis Whizzinator system. 34-year-old Sydney Levin was submitting a urine sample as part of his probation when an officer allegedly noticed that his penis did not appear to belong to him. I am not sure what gave him away. Maybe it was the phrase “Made in China” stenciled on the side. Or perhaps he ordered the wrong color. That could certainly raise an eyebrow. Or two.
Now Mr. Levin has been charged with possessing a forging instrument. Sounds to me like he possessed a forged instrument. I suppose that is better than a foraging instrument, given the situation.
He was arrested and released after posting $25,000 bond. He was undergoing the drug test as a condition of his probation for possession of a controlled substance and felony stealing in 2009.
Of course, what is lost in this story is the guy who had to observe and catch the interloping penis. Someone had to grab that thing to see if it was real or not. How would you like to have that job? Talk about low end of the fake Totem Pole. I'm not even sure there is an occupational classification for Penal Penile Authenticator. Colloquially they are likely just referred to as a Probationary Pecker Checker. Please notice the source of the story did not use the phrase "upon closer examination". And I, for one, would not want to be the one to fingerprint the guy on his immediate post-urinary booking. Ick.
But I, as I so often do, digress.
Still, this story tells us that creative people indeed will ply their skills in trying to beat the system. Employers and drug test professionals need to be ever vigilant to neutralize this threat. Our wayward penile prosthesis proliferator has learned a harsh and valuable lesson. When it comes to fake penises, size may not matter, but color likely does.
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Robert Wilson is President & CEO of WorkersCompensation.com, and "From Bob's Cluttered Desk" comes his (often incoherent) thoughts, ramblings, observations and rants - often on workers' comp or employment issues, but occasionally not.
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